Branding my a** and 'Friends' fallout

Dear Rachel,

Corporate companies really like to give away merchandise with their logo slapped on it. Why should I walk around wearing and using someone’s swag? I don’t think my tote bag is fair compensation for the advertising I’m providing. Shouldn’t they be paying me a penny every time I sip coffee from my branded Contigo, or a dollar every time someone lays eyes on my corporate ballcap?

– Walking Billboard

Dear William Plank,

That’s all true about corporate companies. But you think that’s bad? Retail companies do the same thing, only you have to PAY THEM FOR THE PRIVILEGE. People will pay EXTRA AMERICAN DOLLARS for some hoodie or koozie or sticker or face tattoo or whatever, just because it has some company’s logo attached to it. This might be criminal, but I’m only upset that I haven’t figured out the right way to brand myself to reap the cash from this cow.

– Big dollaz, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m about to break up with someone because she loves “Friends.” She doesn’t even have the excuse of having loved it in the ’90s. She only recently started watching it online and absolutely love love loves it. It would be like learning, after trying all the ice creams, that she most adores vanilla. It’s perfectly fine, but an exemplar of all the options? The one thing you choose not as accompaniment, but as feature? Rachel, am I wrong to break up with her over this?

– The One Where She Gets Dumped

Dear Idiot,

I have to think that “vanilla” became the go-to descriptor for bland and straightforward because it’s as pasty as the parts you’re about to not get touched anymore. But that white is all cream, baby. Vanilla was revered by Mexican and Latin American peoples, until Europeans latched on, when it became a luxury for the elitist of the elite. Friends, and one Friend in particular, are divine treats. You don’t deserve your girl. Maybe you can make it up to her by purchasing my branded zipper hoodie.

?– There for you, Rachel