Friendly disagreement, British invasion & Christ-miss
Dear Rachel,
A friend hired me to do some creative work for her. To protect my identity, let’s pretend she asked me to paint a portrait of her. I showed her my style, talked about what she wanted, and she said she trusted me. Well, I delivered and I did good work, but now she’s saying she hates it and can never hang it in her boardroom. Fine, I don’t care. But she’s also saying she won’t pay me. That’s not how this works, is it Rachel?
– Stiffed
Dear Stiffee,
Yeah… no, that’s not how any of this works. Not unless you agreed to work on spec, but come on, commissions are never on spec. Reminds me of a friend who hit some hard times and subsequently hit me up for grocery money. I did what I could to help her out. And she got annoyed with me that I didn’t give her more hundreds of dollars. I don’t know why your friend reminds me of my friend, except that we need to make a pact to stop making friends like this.
– By an oath of blood, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Why are so many of our best American superheroes British? Christian Bale as Batman. Henry Cavill as Superman. Benedict Cumberbatch as that Harry Potter wannabe. Now, I just learned that Tom Holland, the best Spider-Man in history, is English too. Three hundred million people in this country, and we can’t find one decent actor to play the most American of movie roles?
– Stealing Our Jobs
Dear Blimey-Man,
Um, excuse me, but our best American superheroes aren’t British. They’re Canadian. And by “they,” I mean “Ryan Reynolds.” Sure, he used to be a douchey gloss-faced frat-boy typecast. But then he grew up, and they put a mask on him to hide his residual douchiness, and now all I want to see is the Deadpool/Spider-Man teamup where they fall in love but keep the relationship open because of uncertainty from the cinematic rights-holders.
– No capes, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I really lost the holiday spirit this year. I didn’t mail out any cards, didn’t wrap any presents. I still care about people. I just… forgot. But, some books I ordered for my aunt back in October never made it to her. Which got me thinking… what if, instead of Christmas cards, I sent checking-in cards early next year. “Hey, just want to make sure your present made it?” And then I can blame its absence on the overwhelmed shipping companies. I see no flaw in this plan. Do you?
– Lost in the Mail
Dear Lost Cause,
History is written by the victors. At this point, you can’t mail out presents in time anyway, so what the hay? Give it a whirl. If it works, you become the next great American hero. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe or Emma Watson will play you in the film version. And if it fails, there’s no real loss, except me and that other person will vow not to be your friend either.
– Tracking number not found, Rachel
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