Burkinis, not a latté & philanderer or philanthropist?

Dear Rachel,

Berlin’s government announced rules permitting women to swim topless in municipal pools just like men. A woman was thrown out of a Berlin pool in December for refusing to cover up her breasts. She filed a dissemination complaint, and the rules changed. Regulations list new swimwear, trunks, bikinis, burkinis, but don’t say who wears what. Some elected folk will have a heart attack. Some will wonder if this is OK for Colorado and rejoice. Your thoughts on this?

– Skin Deep

Dear Superficial,

Frankly, I wish it had gone the other way. Make EVERYONE cover up. I could give a squirrel crap what you look like in a swimsuit. It’s ME in a swimsuit I reserve judgment for. But I get funny looks when I wear full body armor poolside. If everyone had to wear at least a burkini, then no one would look at me funny anymore. Plus, reduced risk of skin cancer! Yeah, let’s pretend that’s the motivation.

– Splish splash, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

When I’m ordering a latté now, the baristas and servers ask what kind of milk I want. Um, a latté comes with milk? Full stop. If I wanted some other milk, I’d say so. And that would be fine. But I don’t have to specify a beef burger (versus a veggie) or a gluten-free pizza (instead of the good old gluteus maximus stuff). Is this the way it’s going? Or can I just stare down my coffee pullers when they ask?

– Milking It

Dear Lactose Intolerant,

Someone just trying to make sure you get the latte you really want is ruining your day? What a tough badass you are. I’d expect you to be asking for a cup full of espresso grounds. Something you can get stuck in your teeth like a real baddie. With no milk. Real tough mofos don’t cut their caffeine with mama’s milk. Make it a day-old while you’re at it. Who needs fresh anyway. 

– Dark as my soul, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m thinking of running for an office in government. I see that Trump will be running for president in 2024. He has not given one dime to charity from 2000-22. Well, should I give like I always have, to, say… Manna, Boys and Girls Club, Special Olympics and many more, or stop and line my pockets with all the donations to my campaign? Asking for your help, give or not to give? Or pocket the money if I lose?

– Giving Soul

Dear Spirit of Christmas,

So wait … are you giving your campaign donations to charity? That seems to miss the point of a campaign contribution, which is to take members of the media out for very nice dinners to ensure their journalism is incredibly well-informed. Plus, we are totally charity cases. But I’ll let it slide on one condition: If you will back a universal bare-skin ban at the swimming pool, you have my vote.

– Fill in the bubble, Rachel