Camping in, hallucinogenic toads and socksy talk
Interesting fact: Contronyms are single words with two conflicting definitions. Like, "to dust" means both "cover in fine particles" and "remove fine particles." How do we even communicate?

Camping in, hallucinogenic toads and socksy talk

Dear Rachel,
It’s time for my biannual camping trip. The excuse to drive into the forest, eat lots of pre-packaged non-perishable Oreos and hot dogs and “potato” chips in a tube, drink cheap wine, get stoned, and look at the stars. I really need it this year. Or I thought I did. But I realized that since I now avoid the grocery store, that is entirely my at-home life, minus the forest and the stars. Couldn’t I save the gas money and buy more tubular foods online? Or do I really need fresh air and nature?
– Daniel Boone’s Farm

Dear Tubular,
Biannual. Do you mean twice a year, or once every two years? This: this is the worst thing in the English language. “Literally” meaning both “literally” and “figuratively” is easy to swallow, because any half-evolved ape can read context clues. THERE IS NO INTONATION FOR BIANNUAL. Do you mean “semi-annual” or “biennial”? Real words exist for a reason. Biannual has ceased to mean anything anymore, and when we no longer have words that mean anything, do we have nothing?
– Semi-bi, Rachel


Dear Rachel,
My dog barks. All the time. Big and deep. At absolutely nothing. Until this one time, I followed his gaze out the window and saw a toad on the walkway. I have to conclude, therefore, that he is possibly super sensitive to the presence of amphibians and each bark is in fact defending us from hallucinogenic toads. There is no YouTube video for working with this. Any ideas?
–Toad in the Hole

Dear Dog Croaker,
You don’t need to train your dog away from barking at toads. You need to learn how to capitalize on it! I have zero idea what benefit there is to barking at frogs (what’s the diff, since words don’t mean anything), but if you slap an ad on Craigslist, you’ll find some toady willing to pay for it.
– Ribbit, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
Why do socks come in six-packs when there are seven days in a week, and one of those is laundry day? I need a freaking eight-pack. Buying two six-packs just leaves me with an abundance of socks overstuffing my skinny little sock drawer, crowding out my two pairs of dress socks (one tan, one black) that I wear once or twice a year when I need to feel like an adult. I’d even pay more per sock to the revolutionary who initiates the eight-pack.
– Barefoot Count

Dear Sock Monkey,
My friend in high school wanted to become a doctor so he could afford 365 pairs of socks, thus having fresh socks every day and only having to launder them annually. (I don’t think he realized doctors can afford hiring out their laundry.) You, however, are already a full-fledged adult if you are doing your laundry once a week and not semi-monthly (or bi-weekly, if you’re bi-curious). I’m sure you’ll find a use for your excess sockage.
– Sock it to me, Rachel

 

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