Can tossing, keyboard rambles and big dog energy

Dear Rachel,

It’s moving time! Which means it’s time to eat up all the food in the pantry and freezer so we don’t have to take it with us. Problem is, all that food is stuff we actually like to eat. I’m not sure who bought the six cans of chickpeas or the frozen Beyond Burgers, but here they are. Will I set a bad example for my kids if we throw it all away?

– Gourmand

Dear Survivalist,

You know, you can give away a lot of food, right? Check out the Durango Food Bank. Or, isn’t literally every elementary school in the country doing a canned food drive nonstop? That said: if you’re like me, the chickpeas expired three years ago, and the frozen food was your ex’s and you can’t quite trust it not to have razor blades in it. So when you throw it out, don’t let the kids see. You can’t be a bad example if you don’t get caught.

– Buen provecho, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

With the huge white tees or cigs on the corners and the red zones at the stop lights the people from Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas are Corn Fuzzed. They said what up with this. No standing or moving in the RED ZONE. I don’t know what to tell them. They say it looks a lot like a bunch of white tees for a BIG HUGE GOLF COURSE WITH BIG DRIVERS. They told me to put flowers in them to make them look lovely. Yo, sorry I’m leaving on a jet plane.

– John Denver

Dear Clearly Not John Denver,

Sir. Are … are you the President? If so, I would really like to join your cabinet. Not the one that requires Senate approval. I’m talking the shadow cabinet, the real cabinet, where things get done. As my qualification, I present to you my stuck keyboard spacebar. It’s making typing really hard, kind of like your caps lock key. Together, we could really make an even more illegible difference.

– Qualified as anyone, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

My dog is an exuberant beast on walks. Lovable but a real menace. I asked my girlfriend to walk him because I had a work thing. Of course, he was a model citizen for her. Didn’t pull, sat on command, threatened not a single cyclist. Am I the problem? Is it me?

– Bad Dog Dad

Dear Ruff Parent,

Our dogs pick up on our energy. I bet your lady is a lot calmer than you. Or else, they’re about to turn into a country song and run off on you together. Better lock down the truck and resort to dog bribery. When dog treats get too expensive, I recommend feeding him whatever lives in your freezer and pantry that you won’t be eating anytime soon. Will garbanzo beans motivate your dog to listen to you? Time to find out.

– Good boy, Rachel