Car wars, black eyes and pet peeves

Dear Rachel,

My wife and I share a one-car garage as a two-car family. Which means she gets the garage, and I get the driveway. My car is older and generously patina’d, so this is fine. Except it means we never take her car anywhere. “Oh let’s just take yours since it’s in the driveway,” she says, and my beloved beater takes all the mileage driving around to the social engagements, while hers sits pristine in its shelter. How do we make this fair and save some miles on my poor old wagon?

– Taxed Taxi

Dear Uber Under,

I see only one solution: You have to get your car in the shop. I don’t care if it’s actually in the shop or if it’s “in the shop.” Drop it off at your buddy’s for a week. Maybe even start foreshadowing. “Let’s take your car, babe. I need to take mine to the shop.” Turn it into an impending disaster, and she’ll start volunteering the Mercedes more and more. (I’m imagining it’s a Mercedes. Don’t tell me otherwise.)

– Step on it, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I see that you used cheap eye liner and your eyes went black. So how about making two little eyes, a nose and a big smile. We miss the smile in your eyes. It only takes a stroke of the pen. Will keep an eye out for the eye-dropping new look.

– Eye Bro

Dear Makeup Department,

Be careful what you wish for. I will paint on a smile to wake you up in the night, shaking with terror. You think the Joker had a good one? Just wait until you see Rachel, smiling at the dude who tells her to smile, on top of all the other dudes who have ever told women to smile. You want to see a woman out of effs to give? Because there’s no smile like the smile after breaking an “eye bro” like you.

– Say cheese, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

The delivery driver screwed me over. He left a new shipment of kitty litter on the porch, and it got soaked. Not enough to clump the whole box but enough to soggy up the cardboard and bust the corner of the box. Now I have kitty litter everywhere. And I’m out my order. Do I have a legal case here?

– Litter Bugged

Dear Seeking Repurrrrations,

What’s a delivery driver supposed to do? They’re tracked these days and punished for taking too long to pee. They don’t have time to finagle your packages. You need to provide a safe – and convenient – space for them to stash your goods. Like, say, under the car up on blocks in your front yard. I think I know a guy who needs a place to park his car for a bit. Maybe you can come to an arrangement.

– Damaged, Rachel