Cats and dogs, seeing red and not-so gaga

Cats and dogs, seeing red and not-so gaga
Dear Rachel,
I’m a cat person. My new love interest is a dog person. Really we are both fur people. He is doing a good job trying to relate to my cats and use my kitty-centric lingo. But we haven’t introduced the kids yet. I can’t tell him that I’m afraid his dogs will have my cats for breakfast if we leave them unattended. This clearly puts a damper on long-term prospects. What should I do?
– Mama Cat
 
Dear Cat Lady,
Ah, this is as old as time. Montagues and Capulets.  Yours is something like… Muttagues and Catulets. “What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and hey, wasn’t there a plant in that window? Did your cats just knock it to the floor?” “Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art though? Romeo, get back here! Sorry, he’s friendly!” Honestly, I’d binge this. So my recommendation is that you film whatever you decide.
– Get thee to a cattery, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I realized something while going through old photos. I don’t get demon eyes anymore! Used to be every photo taken with a flash gave me the Gaze of Satan. I didn’t even notice when this stopped happening, but it’s been years. Is this a thing? Did cell phones figure out how to do away with them? Or was this some alternate universe I skipped over from?
– Red-Eye 
 
Dear Bloodshot,
Alternate universe is always the correct answer. A universe precisely like this one, except photographs all give people red eyes. I kind of miss the red-eye photos, honestly. It was a pretty good way to get people not to display pictures where I look bad (which is every picture). Maybe I can go back to that universe, in exchange for you coming to this one?
– Say cheese, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I was at a public event the other day, and someone brought her baby. The baby got fussy and the parent, being a good parent, left. I talked to a woman who said, “Shoot, I didn’t get my hands on that kid in time.” My first thought was that she wanted to strangle the kid. Took me a few too many beats to realize she likely meant she wanted to hold it. Is there something wrong with me? Should I not be allowed near children? 
– Bad with Children
 
Dear Functioning Adult,
I mean, you’re not ACTING on the thoughts, right? DON’T ACT ON THOSE THOUGHTS. But it is perfectly acceptable not to like children, so long as you aren’t responsible for them. I suggest avoiding all child-adjacent jobs, hobbies and other circumstances until you become clear on the extent of your anti-child tendencies. Maybe you can stick with cats. Just don’t start dating a dog person. Or, apparently, a people person.
– Bye-bye, baby, Rachel

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