Coffeeholics, harshing all the mellows & no touching
Dear Rachel,
Is it true that coffee makes some people sleepy? Are these the same people who order an espresso after dinner while I have been on an abstinence program since 10 a.m. for fear of insomnia? What would it be like to live life with the ability to imbibe caffeinated wonders at all hours of the day and night? Is there some way I can alter my genetic sequence to be one of these people?
– Coffee Anon
Dear Overstimulated,
If this is you on an abstinence program, then boy howdy do we need to tap into you as a natural resource. Or at least a roadside attraction. I want to fuel you up and let you rip so, so badly. How many questions in a row can one person ask? Would you ever run out of questions? Would you ever ask the really important questions to change the course of humanity? Or will we all just put in our earbuds to tune you out?
– Half caf to the brim, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I’ve made precisely one new friend during this pandemic. It’s a neighbor, and we take our dogs on walks together occasionally. I love her dog. And she’s nice enough. But man, she just has so much junk going on in her life all the time. She’s not a downer! She genuinely tries to smile and put a happy spin on things. But always by the end of the walk we’ve dug into some new pit of negativity. Any tips on how to keep things sunnier?
– Bright Side of Life
Dear Painful Optimist,
Positive thinking is overrated. In fact, now that we’re in the Age of Omicron, I’ve been encouraging both of my friends to think negative. Negative thoughts only! Because negative is positive, and positive is bad news bears. I want everyone around me to be a bunch of Negative Nancies! Take your walks at a leash’s distance from each other, and bask in that glow of negativity surrounding you, protecting you, cradling you.
– It’s always sunny in Durango, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I have officially lost my touch in the dating game. I no longer know how to tell the difference between friendly contact, flirty contact and flashing lights with runway signage contact. We’re normalizing so many other things. Can we normalize Mulligans for people who misread signs and/or miss them altogether? Some kind of relegation league, where we can earn a shot at joining the big leagues again?
– Out of Touch
Dear Touchscreener,
You and that coffee person together are reminding me of the best burn I’ve ever heard in person. A guy trying to act all suave with his barista said he likes his coffee like he likes his women. The barista leaned in, touched his arm, and said, “Oh honey, our coffee’s only three dollars an hour.” Now I don’t even care if she stole that line. It was clear that her arm-touch was not an invitation for more. If you need aloe vera after you’re done flirting – no go, my friend.
– Red light, Rachel
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