Costume conundrum, cart justice & the mother lode

Costume conundrum, cart justice & the mother lode

Dear Rachel,

Halloween is coming up soon. What elected office will be most in costume this year? Who will be the best witch or goblin? How about you? I know you will go as an angel, but deep down what witch costume would you wear or your goblin friends?

– Pumpkin Head

Dear Orange Noggin,

Given the choice between wearing a witch costume or my goblin friends, I’ll wear my friends. They are HAWT. But the real issue here is that I think you are trying to flatter me, calling me an angel and all, but on Halloween we dress up as what we aren’t. Are you calling me devilish? Or worse? I need to know, because that is dead right, but also it probably shouldn’t be quiiiiite so apparent in the newspaper. I’ll get to work brushing up my image in hopes of getting more treats than, well, the alternative.

– Gonna TP your house, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

Which is the greater crime against humanity? Not putting your shopping cart back? Or putting the gas station windshield cleaner back in the holder squeegee side down? The cleaner should obviously have the spongy part down so it can soak up the Windex-like water.

– The Geneva Convention

Dear Cruel and Unusual,

Um, shopping cart. Done. But I have a word count quota to fill, so let me elaborate: an upside down squeegee is only a problem if the reservoir has run mostly dry. If so, you just … turn the squeegee around. A shopping cart, on the other hand, just takes one little nudge while you’re parking your car to send it wobbling down the slight incline across an entire parking lot until it whomps the passenger door of an unsuspecting SUV, and you run inside the store hoping no one saw because really it went implausibly far and no one could pin it on you otherwise.

– Hypothetically, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

For 3½ years I have had the best excuse the world has ever known (the pandemic) not to have my mother to my house. I love her dearly, but she sucks the air right out of the room and literally never shuts up. She’s also anti-vax, and I work in the hospital, sooo seemed likely I’d give it to her. Welp, family obligations finally won out and she’s coming next week. Any advice on how to survive?

– Hurricane Mother

Dear Storm Front,

Time to haunted house the crap out of your digs. Cobwebs, ginormous spiders, animatronic zombies. Put on a Michael Myers mask and just stand in the corner, staring at her, for hours. It’ll creep her out, and, mostly, allow you to wear your N95 under your costume. Oh, and you could put prop syringes in her bed and tell her they are left over from a vaccine drive.

– Who’s an angel now, Rachel

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