Crafty grifters, gone batty & getting pickled

Dear Rachel,

Crafty minds want to know, is there a statute of limitations on Etsy? I bought some Christmas presents from a bloke in England last year. He let me know, very cordially, that the custom gifts would not be ready until 2022. No prob, Bob. But every time I inquire, it’s something about his mum in hospital, or a lack of supplies, or 40 degree heat (that forces me to convert to Celsius!). Do I have any legal recourse here to get my stuff in time for this Christmas?

– Artful Dodgee

Dear Cockney Blocked,

I know nothing about a statute of limitations on Etsy, but there is almost certainly a statue of limitations. If it can be made with two hands, or one hand and two feet, or three hands without thumbs, it is on Etsy. Perhaps you could recommend to your jolly ol’ seller that he start making promises he can keep. And offer free shipping.

– A handmade tale, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Time to stop using animal names for diseases. Swine flu, mad cow, chicken pox, bird flu, whooping cough and now monkey pox. Will it confuse people to not get the shot if by a different name? The name Covid got them confused and some did not take it. I guess if we called it Death Vader Covid maybe they would have gotten it, and fewer people would have died. New names from you might get the world to listen. 

– Dr. Roman R. Boosternelli

Dear Animal Crackers,

Death Vader Covid (presumably to avoid trademark infringement) would simply have brought out the Darthers in full force, proclaiming that Luke was just a propaganda puppet and Anakin a savvy businessman. What a world we would live in, though, if Covid had been called the bat flu. We could have all gotten bat shots from the bat nurses, worn bat masks and kept our bat distance. Someone, though, would have still shoved horse pills up their bat butt. 

– EIEIO, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Yea, enough about pickelball, pickerball location in Durango. Taxes go up, location, noise, etc., etc. Well the location is high in the sky, ROOF TOP PICKLEBALL. Roof tops in town. Yea train whistle, clock chime, who cares. PICKLEBALL noise, $$$$$ fits in. Look up, you may have a flat roof near you and now a PICKLEBALL court, and no tax increase. Private and secure what more do you want for your pickle? Rachel get on this like a tick on a hound dog. You be the leader. Your thoughts… LOCATION LOCATION. Roof top bar and eats...

– Sweat Pickle

Dear Dewy Dongle,

Someday, this letter right here is going to sell at Christie’s Auction House as the foundational document of a new literary art form. It’s one of those moments you just know is special, though you don’t know exactly why – not yet. Like seeing Elvis perform in a back room somewhere, or Lady Gaga perform in a back room somewhere. All I know is, I preserved each and every variant of “pickleball” for posterity, and I expect to see pickerball & pickball knockoffs on Etsy within the week.

– Pick me, Rachel