Cran-troversy, going solo and pickle perplexed

Dear Rachel,

I just learned from my partner that a certain friend will be coming to our Friendsgiving. Yeah yeah, all are welcome and kumbaya and crap, but every Thanksgiving she brings canned cranberry sauce. What the hell. It takes 15 minutes to make a good cranberry sauce. She’s getting turkey and homemade everything else, is it too much for me to expect her to bring one decent side?

– Sauced

Dear Cranny Granny,

I had a friend who always brought paper napkins. Even for nice sit-down dinners when I pulled out the cloth table linens. No one without pica could eat the napkins. The holidays are stressful enough without you harping on your friend for being nice enough to bring something in the first place. She might have good reasons for being unable, or unwilling, to meet your side-dish specs. But she’s still your friend. So be grateful, because canned cranberry sauce is the BOMB. 

– Ridges or GTFO, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have officially given up on trying to date. Dating apps just waste my time, and so do the men & women on them. There are only so many people going to only so many bars, and you know what? Whiskey breath (let alone whiskey other-things) just ain’t attractive. What’s the best and easiest way to transition into satisfied middle-age singlehood?

– Stand Alone

Dear Lonely Island,

Single or mingling, you gotta move beyond the bars. Art openings and charity events, baybee. Not only are you likely to meet a more cultured, philanthropic social circle, the wine is often complimentary. Plus, the doors often close early enough that you can still be in bed with your cat and your computer by 8:30 p.m. The transition may not be graceful, but it will be permanent.

– Cheers, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’d never heard of pickleball until your letters talked about it. Now I’m seeing pickleball EVERYWHERE. I was even just recently visiting a friend in a very small town, and over tea her neighbors were talking about building a community court. I finally caved and watched a video of this phenom sport, which seriously looked more fitting for Snowdown than ESPN. SERIOUSLY WHY THE HELL IS THIS SO POPULAR?

– Poor Sport

Dear Future Pickleballer,

You are asking the wrong gal. Pickleball seriously looks like people sporting it up while wearing those inflatable T-Rex costumes, only minus the inflatable T-Rex costumes. It plays like an improvised camping game, because someone’s dad forgot the badminton birdies. And it sounds like the one, single side dish someone could bring that would warrant banning them from all future Thanksgivings. Speaking of Snowdown, though, it could well be the feature event in 30 years when we have a 2020s theme, complete with sexy mask costumes and another event called “crypto-crash.”

– Pickled out, Rachel