Crimes against humani-tea, what about Bobcat & Hobbit holiday

Crimes against humani-tea, what about Bobcat & Hobbit holiday

Dear Rachel,

Do you know how many times I make myself a cup of tea to unwind at the end of the day, and promptly forget about it until the next morning? Too many times! It’s such a sad sight to stumble into the living room, spy a mug on the table, and realize that not only did I waste a perfectly good cuppa, but I deprived myself of a moment of zen. What’s a way for me to remember my tea while it’s still hot? And don’t recommend a piece of string on my finger. Tried it. Didn’t work.

– Crossed by Tea

 

Dear Cold Comfort,

I thought it was just me! I’m infamous for this. Honestly, in my younger days, I used to microwave the cup of tea in the morning because why not. Now that I’m old enough, that feels kind of gross, and I don’t mind wasting the 10-cent tea bag, because I’m not yet old enough to splurge on tea that costs more than that. I don’t think I’m allowed to buy tea with more than one ingredient until I learn to be responsible. Until then, it’s green-flavored tea for me.

– Ta, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I hereby declare a mission to rename the construction equipment known as a Bobcat. Too many times in my life, most recently last week, I’ve discussed one and had someone assume I meant the other. “My neighbor got a Bobcat to tear up his yard,” I said last week, and from that point on we had two separate conversations until we finally figured out the misunderstanding. Will you amplify my cause for me?

– Collecting Signatures

Dear Petition Mission,

Who are you petitioning to, exactly? I think there are a lot more worthy social causes to which you could contribute your admirable combo of ire and passion. Even if you decided to stay in the realm of earth-moving machinery, you should start with Caterpillar. When I think caterpillars, I think little, fuzzy butterflies-in-waiting, not yellow heavy-duty big kid toys. That’s my world-changing advice for ya.

– The only signature you’ll get,  Rachel


Dear Rachel,

March 25, which is a Thursday and thus a Telegraph publication date, is the anniversary of Frodo casting the One Ring into the fiery cracks of Mt. Doom. We need to celebrate this! Yeah, so what if it’s made up. Tell me that the mythology of the Fourth of July isn’t a little bit made up, not to mention Easter and Christmas and whatever Arbor Day is. How can we commemorate it? And, could you slip something into the Tele for me?

– A Durangotang Hobbit

Dear Four Corners Halfling,

I had this roommate in college who took up her half of the room with a Middle Earth map. So I’m going to have to google the specifics, but I hate to tell you that the hobbit calendar doesn’t align with ours. She gave a drunken dissertation on this one night. Besides, big whoop, the little man lost a ring. If we commemorated the anniversary of every time Crossed by Tea forgot their darjeeling and had to cast the cold remains into the calcified hole of Mt. Drain, every day would be a holiday.

– Hail and well met, Rachel

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