Crowning achievement, winged avenger & diva dilemma

Dear Rachel,

Labor Day got me thinking. We should have another Labor Day for all the people who have gone into labor to give birth that’s different than Mother’s Day. I think we could make a big push (no pun intended) to get this holiday into the world. Thoughts?

– Contraction Action

Dear Water-Broken,

You know, I think there’s already a day to celebrate that kind of labor. It’s called “your birthday.” I know, I know, it’s not a day of celebration for the ones who went through labor. Unless they use a kid’s birthday as an excuse to invite over all their grownup friends and get trashed while a clown terrifies the kids. Cliché? Maybe. True? Also maybe. But if you can get a special day for the ones who birthed us, it will be your crowning achievement.

– Making a splash, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My ex boyfriend had moths. Not surprising, since he was a slob. I was happy to stop going to his place. But now I have moths. I discovered whole moth colonies in my closet this summer. I’m washing everything I own and following all the advice. But I need some advice for getting back at him. Something deeply fitting and also untraceable to me.

– Mothra

Dear Chewed Up,

This is the problem with slobs: there’s nothing much you can do to their stuff that they’ll even notice. You have to go for something irreversible. Something expensive. I’m not saying you should let termites loose under his house. I would never suggest that. But if you could imagine something LIKE that, something also not traceable to me, I would also not suggest that. At least not here, in print.

– Wink wink, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I have a new neighbor who is an opera singer who tours the country singing for different operas. She’s very regimented and takes her work seriously. Unfortunately, it’s also a serious problem. She goes to bed at 7 p.m. and makes sure we all know it. I think to keep us shushed. But then she’s up and practicing at 7 a.m. Have you ever had an opera singer’s voice vibrating through your shared walls? It’s not unpleasant but enough to keep me from going back to sleep. What’s my best way to get her to clam up until after coffee time?

– Aria Kidding Me

Dear Overturned by Overtures,

You could always put on Looney Tunes cartoons and turn the sound off. Half of those are operatic numbers anyway. At least you’d have morning entertainment. Otherwise, I don’t think you’re going to make much headway. You could fight fire with fire and make sounds like you’re in labor every night. It ain’t over, as they say, until the pregnant lady stops singing. Or something like that.

– Wagnerian at heart, Rachel