Death chariot, buying happiness and missing the point

Death chariot, buying happiness and missing the point
Dear Rachel,
I’m new used-car shopping. Has it ever occurred to you when test driving a car that, statistically speaking, you might well be choosing the chair you will sit in when you die? This has changed my whole outlook on the process. People will drop mad bucks on a casket. Why not spend that money now, so that if I die, it’s at least in a Subaru and not a Geo? 
– Highway to Hell
Dear Fast Lane,
I have never thought this about cars (but now I will, thanks, dummy) but I think this often when I am eating a meal by myself in my car. Windows are generally more tinted these days, and other drivers are generally paying more attention to their phones, and I’m fairly sure if I started choking, no one would ever see me, and I wouldn’t be able to jiggle open my janky car door (not a Geo but close), and I would die. So, yeah, I get it.
– Chewing fully, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need a job, money, to make people happy over the holidays. Just like I did in 2022. I spent moneys to support the economy on neat things. Any ideas for my future, my wallet or purse?
– Santos Claws
Dear Georgie Porgie,
This is the beauty of America. You can be anything you want. And you? You have the special gift of really, truly being anything you want. I mean, when someone like you is the last man to fly a moon mission, inventor of the iPhone, record-setting Boston marathoner, and SI swimsuit cover model, there is really no reason not to continue being anything you want to be. And because this is America, and what you do is worthless, someone is bound to pay you for it simply to piss off the libs. I ain’t worried for you; more worried that you won’t actually go away.
– Don’t let the door hit you, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have an issue with point-scoring systems that make no sense. Like any game that scores in increments of 10. Just remove the zero! And football? Why is a touchdown six points but a safety only two? Don’t even get me started on the TV show “Whose Line is it Anyway” (where if the points don’t matter, why have them) or tennis (which just gives me absolute fits). Why can’t these things just be simple, Rachel? Like in soccer or baseball or Uno – a dream game without points?
– Accounting Errors
Dear Pointless,
I’m all about the games without points. But not the kinds of points you’re talking about. I mean games like Whamageddon, where participants strive to go from Dec. 1-24 without hearing any part of the original recording of Wham!’s “Last Christmas.” One stee-rike and yer out. Or the driving game. Some people assign points to pedestrians and cats and deer and whatnot. Me? I just try not to go Wham! and if I don’t, I win.
– Pointedly, Rachel

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