So I have become one of these people. I am a Disney conspiracy theorist. There are loads of good theories out there, but my favorites all revolve around characters being dead. Snow White’s prince is actually Death personified, escorting her into the afterlife. Nemo is dead, and the story is actually his dad’s journey through grief. The old man in “Up?” Also totally dead and traveling through heaven. What’s with all the dealing-with-death in Disney that I never realized?
– Bambi’s Mom Was an Inside Job
Dear Me at, Like, 15,
Yeah, death is, like, so deep and cool and stuff. Did you even know that Disney puts skulls in character’s eyes right before they die? It’s SO TRUE. Unless it’s not. I try not to trust everything that clickbaity headlines on the internet tell me. Just like I didn’t trust that b Katrina in middle school, before the internet was all the rage, when she tried telling me that the “Lion King” is just Hamlet with lions. I’ll believe a lot, but that is asking too much.
– The wonderful world of, Rachel
The last thing any of us want is another Zoom call. But my nephew lives far away, and he’s finally at the age where he’s not just a helpless lump but rather a helpless lump with personality. So cute! Normally I video chat with him and my sister/his mom. This week, though, Daddy stepped in. And his ideas for baby toys include a pill bottle rattle. Do I call child services right away, or do I wait for him to offer up cigarettes and matches too?
– Speakin Up
Now I feel like I need some more context here. Did the pill-bottle rattle have one of those childproof lids? Because if it did, I have this feeling that babies could stumble onto opening it more easily than I can open it with all the effort and education in the world behind me. Straight up, though? That’s messed up. My parents made my rattles out of pennies and dimes, and look, I survived. So far, at least.
– Stayin’ alive, Rachel
My friend and I have been playing phone tag for months. It’s not that I miss her calls, per se. More like, I see her calling, but I don’t feel like talking then. So I don’t answer. But then I really do call back when I want to talk! It’s been going so long that I have to think she also sees me calling and doesn’t answer. How can I be the one to win this standoff by trying to call her last?
– Send to Voicemail
Dear Busy Signal,
Sounds like a big ol’ conspiracy you’ve cooked up there. Occam’s Razor says to go with the simplest answer, which is just that she’s missing your calls. But going with the simplest answer also means that Captain Hook killed the mermaid Ariel’s mom. I looked up Disney conspiracies after getting that other letter, and the evidence is undeniable. Just answer your friend’s calls, before you too go swimming with the fishes.
– Ring ring, Rachel