Dirty donuts, conservative streakers & not kidding

Dear Rachel,

I thought this year was the perfect excuse to reinvent Valentine’s Day. I’m tired of buying my boyfriend a little teddy bear and a foil helium balloon, both of which let’s be honest go in the trash. But my boyfriend is such a little girl. He wants to eat candy hearts and trade stupid gifts and have a five-course dinner in formalwear, where I’m like let’s have donuts for dinner and then go to sleep early. Think I can convince him?

- V-Day D-Day

Dear VD,

I recommend a subtle change of wording. How about, “Let’s go to bed early and bring donuts with us.” That implies both sexytime shenanigans AND sexytime shenanigans WITH DONUTS. And if your boyfriend doesn’t like the sound of that, please dump him and date me instead. I don’t even need the sexytime stuff. Donuts and sleep is all this girl needs.

– Be mine, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I hope this letter makes it in under the wire. But did you see the guy who rushed the Super Bowl field in a swimsuit? I don’t know if it was on the actual broadcast or not, but it got me thinking… has COVID ruined America to the point where streakers aren’t even going naked anymore because we have to cover everything up? Back in my day, streaking meant something. And you knew the guy who tackled you had to be willing to tackle your tackle, too. I’m disgusted with the swimsuit poser.

– Losing Streak

Dear Wannabe Voyeur,

The only noble and socially responsible streak right now would be what I’ll call “the inverse 2019.” Remember that year? When we walked around with our bodies covered and our faces exposed to the world? Which reminds me, remember how we Westerners used to have controversy over whether or not Islamic women should be allowed to wear face coverings in public? Yeah, I seriously hope that debate goes away forever, because if I’m now allowed to walk into the grocery store or, you know, THE BANK dressed like a stagecoach robber crossed with the Unabomber, everything should be allowed. Except nudity. This is America, yo.

– On a hot streak, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

They say that having pets is a good training ground for having kids. Well, I just watched my friend’s dogs for a week, and I am pretty sure I can never have children. Seven days of refereeing playtime, and refereeing mealtime, and refereeing who gets which part of the floor, and that’s with mutts who can’t use your own words against you. I need to know, is it an overreaction to go under the scissors right away? Or should I just never have sex again?

– Single Non-Parent

Dear Not Kidding,

Oh god no, it’s not an overreaction. I once swore off dating after watching a family of five at Applebee’s for an hour. I quite like not being woken up because of monsters, and I quite like that my Netflix doesn’t have to buffer because some buttmunch is in the other room Minecrafting up all the bandwidth. Besides, who needs love when the world has donuts? 

– Insert donut hole euphemism here, Rachel