Do not enter, distracted driving & unwanted guests

Dear Rachel,

Why do stores have double-door entrances but keep one of the doors locked shut? It’s fine if they put up a sign saying “use other door.” I’m talking when there are no contextual clues. I walk up to a door, yank on it and/or walk into it, then have to subtly switch sides. Odds are I’ll do it again on the way out because left/right distinction and short-term memory are both issues for me. Is there any good reason for not just unlocking both doors?

– Doors Wide Shut

Dear Knob Blocked,

Are you a goldfish? Actually, that’s not fair. Studies reportedly show that goldfish have much more durable memories than we give them credit for. Turns out it’s the goldfish bowl that’s the limiting factor, not the goldfish. I’ve also seen a TikTok on someone else’s phone showing how fish in tanks have learned to drive their motorized carts for fish treats. If they can survive without touch screens, then by gum so can we.

– Blub blub, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just upgraded to a newer car with one of them newfangled smart screens on the dashboard. I’m thinking, it’s bad to look at my phone, so why is this OK? But it’s 2022, so I let it go. Then I discover that when I turn the car on, the screen says (in actual English words) that looking at the screen can lead to a serious accident. So my question is simple: Why is the screen even in the freaking car then?

– Screening Mad

Dear Screened Caller,

Because who wouldn’t want an inferior iPad permanently installed in their automobile? The tech will almost certainly be obsolete in four years, if it’s even still functioning. Plus, it casts that wonderfully persistent glow in your eyes as you’re driving at night. On the plus side, you can’t very easily drop it in the toilet, so it’s possible this is the greatest tech-preservation invention since the corded telephone.

– Always dim, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is dishwashing etiquette as a guest in someone’s home? You know how it goes. You have a meal together, then you say, “Oh, I’ll wash up,” and the host says, “No you will not, sit your tush down,” then either a) you force yourself into the kitchen and wash them anyway, or b) you don’t, and you presume the host is talking after you leave about how rude you are for not even cleaning up. What’s the winning move here?

– Diner’s Dilemma

Dear Washed Up,

Whose house are you visiting where they call your butt a tush? And when can I come, too? Because this sounds DELIGHTFUL. I want to know what other milquetoast yet comical words and phrases they use. Do they also tell you to get your heinie in your chair when it’s time to eat? Perhaps they threaten to smack your bum when you’re being ornery? Why can I think only of silly euphemisms for the butt? Might have to do with that earlier question about trying to go in the out door.

– Putting the “ass” in “classy,” Rachel