Doctor doom, cat's meow and heeding the call

Dear Rachel,

I’m going through the rigamarole to get a new health care provider. Every office I call presents a new hurdle, though. Not taking new patients. Doesn’t accept my insurance. Only has room left in the “Last Names J-K” file folder. All I want is health and care, yet that seems too much to ask. What’s my best way into the system? Is there some trick I don’t know about? 

– Sick and Tired

Dear Krank and Cranky,

The whole system is a sham. I wonder sometimes what Hippocrates might think of it. Of course, the world is full of Hippocratic hypocrites. And I’m no expert over here. I just think sick people should be seen, and no one should go into life-altering debt over lifesaving care. As for getting in with providers … have you tried slipping them a $20 when you shake their hand?

– Not above bribe, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Everybody in Colorado takes their dogs everywhere, right? And everyone admires dogs. Well, I’m fed up with people not getting to admire how handsome my cats are. But with all the dogs everywhere, there’s no place safe for me to take my cats to the brewpub or the concert. What state is like Colorado for us cat people?

– Cat Stevens

Dear Feline Out of Place,

Sounds like you need a cat-atonic state. How about Catifornia? Maybe either North or South Catolina? I presume you’ve already considered the Catalina Islands and Sas-cat-chewan. Might have to give up on states and go with smaller-scale locales. Pittspurrgh? Nashville, aka Meowsic City? Really, I have to think anywhere with a nice urban/subpurrrban interface would suit you well.

– Cat-ching on, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We’re all supposed to stay extra hydrated when exercising at elevation. But guess what that leads to? For me, it means nature calls. What’s the proper trail etiquette for … erm … lightening the liquid load on a hike? And don’t dare tell me to hold it. That ain’t happening for 8 miles.

– Full Tank

Dear Waterlogged,

A healthy person should be able to hold it for some standard amount of time. I’m not a doctor; I don’t know what that time is. But I also remember watching “Liar Liar” several decades ago, and Jim Carrey who could not lie ran through the repercussions of holding it in. I’m inclined to listen to recommend you tuck yourself behind a tree and let it flow. Unless you need an excuse to get in to see the doctor. In which case, hold it as long as you can, then hold it longer.

– Doin’ the dance, Rachel