Doctored up, running dry and Chexing out

Dear Rachel,

Don’t tell me you’re going to start calling yourself Dr. Rachel in support of Jill Biden and some messed-up idea of feminism. No one with an English major or a history degree deserves the same title as people who do open-heart surgery. It’s like buying a square foot of land in Scotland and calling yourself a lord. Get over yourself. Why do people pretend to be more important than they are?

- A REAL Doctor

Dear Mr. Proctologist,

Talk about setting up a straw-woman. Now that you brought it up, why shouldn’t I call myself doctor? If Drs. John, Hook, Teeth and Phil can use the title, so can I. Plus, I effing guarantee that if Jill Biden were some bearded, tweed-sporting philosophy professor with season tickets to men’s basketball and oh yeah WERE ALSO A MAN, no one would write some op-ed failing to take her down a peg. This is a hard pill for folks like you to swallow. Especially those affronted by Dr. Biden’s education, but not Melania’s interior design aesthetic.

– Check out these creds, Dr. Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I ran out of booze the other day. That happens about once a month. No big deal. Except this time, I’m quarantining so I can see my best old-person friend before Christmas. And I’m taking it seriously. Literally not leaving the house or letting anything in the house. This friend is a national treasure so I’m not taking any chances. I thought I’d die without my liquor. But it turns out, I’m weirdly OK. Starting to think sobriety doesn’t sound so bad after all. Is this some weird delusional side effect of withdrawal? When can I expect it to pass?

– Running Dry

Dear Ambulating Arid,

Sounds serious. I’m going to refer you to a specialist. Due to current protocols, they should be able to see you oh, about July. In the meantime, ask a trusted friend to pick up this prescription for you. When the bottle comes in the house, simply open the lid, pour some onto a rag, use that rag to disinfect the bottle, then pour yourself a shot. You should feel right as rain in no time.

– Repeat as needed, Dr. Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Here’s the good news: without half as many office parties and neighborhood parties and family disasters, I’m eating a tiny fraction of other people’s underwhelming cookies this season. Here’s the bad news: I bought a butt load of stuff to make Chex mix, and I’m eating that as a fourth and fifth meal every day. Tell me this is healthy, right? Like, there’s probably fiber and stuff in there, right?

– December Dieter

Dear Cereal Connoisseur,

As a practicing advisory doc, I can tell you that not only is there fiber in your Chex mix, there is also protein (presuming you put in the peanuts, which is the best part of Chex mix). Pretzels are the worst part, but they’re harmless filler that ultimately makes you appreciate the peanuts even more. The wheat squares used to be the worst, even worse than pretzels, but with age comes a new appreciation for them. One out of one Rachels recommends wholeheartedly. Eat without guilt, my friend.

– Best taken with food, Dr. Rachel, D.Lish