Dodo don'ts, no pain/all gain & final plunge

Dear Rachel,

I’ve noticed a lot of ANGER at dogs and dodo on the trails. NO PICK UP. I have heard a rumor that the city may require a DNA sample of dodo from your dog to get a license. They say they can then ID the dog and owner and fine them. Just a RUMOR or in the DOG HOUSE THEY GO. Just asking. I think they are barking up the wrong tree.

– Hound Dog

Dear Ain’t Nothing Butta,

Who’s afraid of dodo on the trails? Not even with modern DNA and cloning technology have we been able to resuscitate the most famous extinct bird since Tyrannosaurus Rex. If we could, though, it would make a fine centerpiece attraction for… what would we call it… Early Modern Park? I wouldn’t get your hopes up, though. No way could we even fund a program to pick up dog turds, let alone the coolest non-lethal theme park ever. 

– Ain’t never caught a rabbit, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just read a genuine New York Times story about how you can make yourself stronger in literally three seconds a day of intense effort. This is the kind of workout regimen I can get behind. But is there any way it’s really real? This seems like it’s too good to be true, but then again, it is the NYT, and they bought Wordle, so they’re obviously not hurting for bottom-of-the-barrel clickbait stories. What do you think?

– Mr. Universe

Dear Flash,

If three seconds of real effort is all it took to experience noticeable results, I’d still be with my last boyfriend. Hey-o! I’d also be way more successful at traditional wage-based employment. My family dynamics would be both stronger and quicker. But hey, when’s the last time I went Full Monty on a workout for even three seconds? This might be worth a shot. Hang tight and I’ll let you know.

– Back in three, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Is quicksand the existential crisis for kids today like it was for me growing up in the ‘80s? I seriously thought that quicksand lurked in pathways all over the world, sudden spots of invisible mud waiting to slurp you into the earth. But now I am in my 40s and have never actually seen quicksand (though I did lose my Merrells to mud season once). Were we lied to? Or am I just one of the lucky ones?

– Suspecting Victim

Dear Mud Pit,

I am with you a thousand percent on this one. I think the world would be a lot cooler with more quicksand. Imagine if it could camouflage itself, like it could take over a square of sidewalk and make itself look exactly like a sidewalk until the meter maid walks by and GULP no more parking tickets. Or, tar pits. I would take tar pits too. I remember learning that tar pits killed tons of dinosaurs but I haven’t seen a single one. Maybe these are good punishments for people who leave extinct birds on the trail. 

– Grab my stick, Rachel