Dog as my witness, office odor & bad taste

Dear Rachel,

I was the witness for my friends’ wedding this spring over on the Front Range. And I think I saw the most Colorado thing ever. The county guidelines for marriage licenses there said that paw prints were NO LONGER ALLOWED as witness signatures because the scanners couldn’t handle them. This implies very clearly that paw prints were ONCE ALLOWED but are not anymore, not because of the legalities of dogs witnessing a marriage but because of outdated technology. How can we get back to dogs being legal witnesses?

– Paw Patrol

Dear Witness Protection,

If you ask me, “scanners can’t handle paw prints” sounds like a way for some county clerk to pass the buck and shush annoying Coloradans. You just know there’s plenty of fourteener-summiting people who would argue about certified witness-dogs all day long.

– Barking up the wrong tree, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I’m not being judgy, but my coworker smells. Real bad. I don’t know if he just needs to bathe differently or if it’s a body chemistry thing. I’m trying to be understanding. But we work in close proximity. It’s just too much for me to handle every day. I can’t focus and I now dread going to work. Is this talk-to-the-boss territory? Or quit-my-job territory?

– Bound and Gagged

Dear Clothespin Nose,

Oof. My opinion, as someone who writes an advice column without sharing space with another human being? Write up a thorough proposal, complete with slide deck, for why you should be able to work remotely. Or, just ask your if you can work outside until you get fired for being annoying.

– No common scents, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m just going to say it: I don’t like my mom’s cooking. I didn’t realize this growing up. But now I’ve been out on my own for a while, and it’s apparent. I go visit her and she insists on loading me up with food when I leave. I know I’m not going to eat any of it. It’s not bad, I just don’t enjoy it. How do I get her to stop sending me with snacks without wrecking her feelings?

– Packed Lunch

Dear Picky Eater,

There’s truly no such thing as a free lunch. Even if you don’t eat it. You cannot in any way be tactful by turning down home cooking. But you don’t have to let it go to waste. Ask her to package it in disposable containers so you can give it away – to friends, to those in need, to the unemployed dog witnesses outside the courthouse.

– Edibly, Rachel