Dog days, which 'wich is which and blown out

Dear Rachel,

They’re everywhere: in strollers and Baby Bjorns, on and off leash; on Main, in the park, on the River Trail. Just the other day, I saw three of them walking the produce section of South City Market. And it’s not just tourists bringing their dogs everywhere – it’s locals, too. And these weren’t service animals in the grocery store. One of them was a Rottweiler! Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. Really. But I can’t help but think that there are some places they just don’t belong. Am I alone?

– Let’s Don’t Go to The Dogs Tonight

Dear Dog Tired,

Of course there are some places a dog shouldn’t go. Like the operating room. Even if they behave, do I really want some shedded hair getting in there? Or, on hot asphalt when it’s too hot to touch. Ditto hot cars. My crazy uncle used to get on half-hour rants about dogs in Home Depot. You’d get along. But me? I’d rather there be dogs everywhere than people. We’re the worst.

– Ruff life, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I had a BBQ on my deck. I had a ham sandwich, and my friend had a hamburger. Well, I had ham and he had a beef burger called a hamburger. Why the HELLO do they call it a hamburger when it’s made with beef? Is this going to the Supreme Court? Help me out on this.

– Dill Pickle

Dear Beefcake,

In the food court of law, we deem it reasonably accessible to figure out that hamburgers take their name from the city of Hamburg the same way frankfurters take their name from the city of Frankfurt. The real twist here is that “burger” means “citizen.” I think we should backtrack and start calling all food-burgers by this definition. “Give me a citizen, medium rare, with extra cheese!” Might strike a little close to the heart this Independence Day, though.

– Seared just right, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I don’t get fireworks. I see why people came out in droves for them back when that was truly high entertainment. But I was just down in N.M. for a week, and it was like a battlefield. These things scare dogs and re-traumatize veterans. You can’t tell me that in the age of smartphones that blowing things up is still so appealing. What’s the deal?

– Boom or Bust

Dear Fire Cracked,

I stand with you on fireworks being awful for everyone. Except they are pretty … or can be. And really, there’s something to be said for people still engaging with the tactile world instead of their phones, even if they end up losing a finger or three. Maybe we all need something mildly dangerous but still communal to bring us joy. Something to give us empathy. Something we can take with us everywhere. Maybe we all just need a dog.

– Short fused, Rachel