Dog eat dog, stinktown & coming out of the vegan closet

Dear Rachel,

I laugh at people who let their dogs dictate their entire schedule. Don’t get me wrong, my dogs are the center of my life, the star to my sun, my everything. But even so, I feed them when I feed them, not when they want to be fed. Some evenings that’s at 5:00. Others it’s at 9:00. And my dogs have yet to keel over from being fed five minutes later than they want. I like to think I’m teaching my dogs to be flexible in an uncertain world.

- Eating like a Dog

Dear Kibbles,

What is “A rational approach to human/canine interdependency?” Have I ever written about the time I was at a school graduation once (a real graduation, not one of these elementary school “graduations”) when the people farther down my row made everyone stand up so they could exit because, and I quote, “We have to feed our dog”? Is it so hard to plan ahead? Or to wait a few minutes? Like, even if a dog is on a medication schedule, don’t those have a LITTLE wiggle room?

– I like your doggie style, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I have no clue how septic systems work, which is apparent now that a stench is emanating from mine. I thought for a while it was my neighbor’s, because nothing so stinky could originate from my house. Nope, turns out it is mine. I prefer plumbing that simply takes all kinds of waste and makes it disappear so I never have to think of it again. I am not on board with this thing called “maintenance” because actually all my flushables are just sitting out back, underground, forever (or until the pump truck comes).

– Frank the Tank

Dear Frankenturder,

What is “Country problems for city people?” Also, what is so hard to grasp about the concept that everything must go somewhere? Do you think that city pipes truly make things disappear, and not that they simply carry your problems to Santa Rita where us old-timers remember your problems being everyone else’s good ol’ whiff of “welcome to Durango”?

– Purging the system, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve decided to go vegan. Or at least, mostly. I’ll eat eggs and I still eat fish. But no more dairy products, no more chicken stock, no more beef jerky. I haven’t told my family yet, though, and as we’re deciding whether to celebrate holidays together in person or not, I’m struck with the dilemma of how best to tell them that we can’t use any butter in the side dishes and that I won’t touch the turkey.

– Conscientious Eating

Dear Sally,

What is “Wishy-washy pity for self-inflicted choices?” Look, isn’t it everyone’s right to have their food however they want it, a la Meg Ryan starring opposite Billy Crystal? Isn’t it also every capable adult’s personal responsibility to take charge of their own diet? Wouldn’t the holidays go down better with open dialogue, rather than dictating what the family can’t use to butter their bread with? I mean, if the family dogs can learn to be easygoing at meal time, don’t you think humans can learn to communicate their needs?

– Apparently not, Rachel