Doggie downer, udder disgrace and getting tipsy

Doggie downer, udder disgrace and getting tipsy

Dear Rachel,

My poor father really loves dogs and really tries to show them love, too. But he is so clueless. If he tries to pet a dog in a way that makes the dog want to play, he refuses to try petting another way. When a dog tries to show him affection, he pushes them away, and they think he wants to play. Basically everything he does is play-language to a pup, and he wonders why dogs don’t settle down around him. He won’t listen to me. Maybe he’ll listen to you? Can you help?

– Puppy Love/Hate

Dear Doggie Dichotomy,

This is generally me with any animal besides dogs. Take cats, for example. Cats generally do the moral inverse of what I want out of my interactions with them. I bring one home to feed and house and love? It runs away on the third night. I want to ignore one? It crawls under my blanket and digs claws into my thighs. I want one to catch my problem mice? It knocks a plant off the shelf and lets it suffer there on the ground. Good thing people never confound me; they’re the only animal I can really count on to do what I expect, when I expect it, and understand me completely without confusion.

– Good girl, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

We have orange, apple, lime juice all made from fruit. We have almond, rice, oat milk made with water. Why do they call it MILK? This is an insult to us cows. Your thoughts.

– Moo Cow

Dear Bleat Bovine,

You know what the primary ingredient of juice is? WATER. You know what constitutes the majority of your moo-milk? WATER. You know what the foundational substance of olive oil is? OLEIC ACID. Never mind. The point stands: we should just call all water-based edible substances “milk” strictly so that cows like you can shut up about it already. I for one cannot wait for my first breakfast smoothie made with carrot milk, and my first fancy dinner with fermented grape milk.

– Milking it, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

Yeah yeah there’s all this jazz about tipping culture getting out of control. And sure, it is. I ain’t tipping the self checkout machine at the grocery store, that’s for sure! But there are still jobs where they rely on tips, and we’re culturally expected to, right? Or are skycaps and bartenders and servers just going to suffer, because we’re expected to tip our robots 28% these days?

– Just the Tips

Dear Tip-Top,

Oh, bartenders and servers and skycaps are definitely going to suffer from tipping fatigue. But speaking as an advice columnist, why shouldn’t other professions such as, oh say advice columnists, get in on the guilt-trip-money craze? You pay nothing to read this paper! Yet you get your mind blown by such concepts as “milking a lime” and “milking a carrot” and “milking a concept in order to call back to an earlier letter.” That’s worth at least 15% of your investment.

– Gratuitously, Rachel

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