Doggy duty, following the crowd and cutting to the chase

Dear Rachel,

My now-elderly parents have decided to go on an adventure for a month, leaving me with their senior (but not as senior as they are) dog. I like this dog very much. But I didn’t sign up to be a dog dad, and two months in, I’m ready to give up. This dog gets better meals than I do. And let’s not even get into her skincare (fur-care?) routine. For the good of the dog, I’m stuck this time, but please help me avoid future enlistment.

– Pressed Into Service

Dear Dog Tagged,

You need to fabricate a near-miss story. Bring some “did you know a dog can shock herself by chewing on batteries?” energy to the situation. The clincher here is that you act cavalier. No big deal! She’s fiiiiiine. If they actually love their Fluffums, they’ll be aghast and never let you near her again.

– Unleashed, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have resisted being a social media person for many years. Finally, it oozed my way at work. I’m now pressed into service updating my work’s social media accounts. Never mind that I am two generations too old for this stuff. My boss wants 200,000 followers, but we live in a town of 20,000. We are a local-serving business, so what is the point of getting so many followers who will never be our customers? 

– Anti Social Media

Dear Auntie Es Em,

Flip the script on ol’ bossy pants. Bury him with jargon. It’s not about follower count, it’s about engagement. Metrically, the implicators of campaign fortitude rely on screen-to-location ratio. The story of any impactful and strategic pitch magnifies with younger generations at scale. Ergo, bada-bing bada-boom, organic digits are the future.

– Hashtag, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My girlfriend has lived with me for a year and a half now, and just this weekend, I found out she’s had a machete the entire time. She never asked about bringing it to my house … decided to leave it in a box in the garage, I guess? Her friends think I’m overreacting, but I’m legit angry. This is a dangerous weapon. She has it sharpened! Is my frustration valid?

– Cut and Dry

Dear Sharp Thinker,

My therapist tells me all my feelings are valid. It’s what I choose to do with them that decides who I am. I’m going to go right ahead and make this about … COMMUNICATION. Which is sexy when it’s good. You’re right to want communication. If your girlfriend isn’t cool with clear, adultish communication, then maybe her lockdown survival tactic makes more sense. Actually, I need to recommend better communication to the dog guy in Letter No. 1, too. That’s a WAY more reasonable idea.

– Cut you down to size, Rachel