Drinking to Ukraine, sticker shock and grand dilemma

Dear Rachel,

Rachel, we love you in Durango. I work at a bar in Durango and don’t like the drink name Moscow Mule. I suggested to my boss that we should call it Ukraine Kick Ass Mule and use only vodka from the USA. What are your thoughts on this? Cheers to Ukraine. P.S. I will give my tips to Ukraine.

– Bar Tender

Dear Suggestion Box,

I have met some Russians myself, most often in bars, and they are an awesome people. In real life, at least with me, they use just one name instead of the 18 names each person has in a Russian novel. Let’s not muddle anything here but the mint in the mojito; my vote is to keep the Moscow Mule, knowing it doesn’t benefit the real Moscow ass one way or another, and to invent another drink for the blue-and-yellow. Maybe, I dunno, ask a real Ukrainian what it should be.

– Budmo, Anastasia Polina Ekaterina Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I understand retailers need a way to convey the price of items being sold, but is it necessary to use price tags that require an act of God & kerosene to remove? The same is true about produce stickers placed on vegetables & fruits. I know for certain that the chemical makeup of that sticky substance on those stickers isn’t organic.

– Coming Unglued

Dear Mild Adhesive,

Not organic? Most definitely probably not! But absolutely edible. Kids who sniffed glue make notoriously poor adults. If produce stickers were detrimental, we’d have found a way to use it as an insult, like, “Man, Rachel swallowed a few too many banana peels with the Dole still on ‘em,” or “Don’t mind my dog, he’s a sticker-eater.” So maybe try the oral approach for all your stubborn UPC code needs.

– Stickers and all, Rachel

Rach,

This might be a question for Ann Landers to answer. My granddaughter is engaged to a man and will marry him in 2024. She told me he has been married three times, had a mistress and porn stars as girlfriends in the past. She says he plays golf but cheats and lies, and no one complains. She said he has connections with a few felons as they are his friends, business only. She said he was into gambling but gave it up and was fired from his last job. She told me he was going to make it all great again and to trust him. She said she will help support him. I need your help, I respect you more than Ann. Should we step in? Nona says step in. 

– Grand Pa and Nona

Dear Gramps,

Sounds like your granddaughter ate a few too many apple stickers as a kid. I’m sure it’s the fault of whichever parent you didn’t raise. If it’s any consolation, if her boyfriend consummates their November marriage, it won’t be long until women like her aren’t allowed to choose their mates anymore. I’m curious, did you also write the same letter to Ann? I hope you told her it was a question for Rachel.

– What a hack, Rachel