Drought-cember, bigly handymen & Ziplock hoarders

Dear Rachel,

No-Snow November is about to veer into the next month. But No-Snow December just doesn’t have the same flair. If this is the new normal, we need a new alliterative phrase. Dumpless December, maybe? We need your suggestions on the matter.

– Dreaming of a Brown Christmas

Dear Winter Disappointmentland,

Drought is sitting right there with a big-ass D on the front. Drought-cember, maybe? But marketing phrases like that just put a catchy spin on a gold mine of an opportunity. We just need to reframe the situation to find the positives. I mean, since we’re clearly not doing anything to mitigate the whole climate change situation. We’re Coloradans. How about a new extreme sport? I’m digging Dirt-Ski December, myself. Get that in a Hallmark film, and it’ll be gold.

– Dump the doldrums, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m bumping into an ethical quandary. I’ve had a handyman recommended to me to take care of some much-needed but not critical jobs around the house. He was recommended via Facebook, which meant I could see that he chooses to publicly and vociferously support… let’s just kindly say “white supremacist vigilantes.” This isn’t a difference of politics, but of morals. Am I right to decline working with him for his beliefs? Or should I overlook where my money’s going for the sake of my gate?

– Can’t Fix That

Dear Unmendable,

There ain’t no fences good enough to make good neighbors out of a situation like that. I’m all for shunning him and his work. And I would tell him why! Except that he probably has guns, and a lack of compunction. And now, thanks to the internet and your mutual recommender, he probably knows everything about you. You have no choice but to relocate to Canada, where most Hallmark movies are filmed for tax reasons.

– Problem solved, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My roommate reuses plastic baggies, and this is turning into a bigger flashpoint between us than who bought the milk. I mean, I’m all for reduce/reuse/recycle, but to wash out a sandwich baggie each time until it crumbles from overuse? The sink is constantly surrounded by air-drying baggies. I would gladly buy a box of Ziplocs every week to avoid this mess, but she won’t listen to my pleas. How can I get her to see some reason, maybe even just reusing them once each?

– Bag the Bags

Dear Bag Lady,

In the face of insurmountable odds, we must each do our part in whatever way we can. Sure, your roommate’s obsession with wringing every last drop of practicality out of a thin film of plastic isn’t going to put snow back on the San Juans. But it probably keeps her from crying herself to sleep at night. So just let her have this one thing, for goodness sake. And you just be thankful she’s not a skinhead. At least, I presume not. Though maybe there is one lonely supremacist out there scrubbing baggies to make a difference. Actually, I want that person’s life story told every Christmas. I’d watch it.

– God bless us, every one, Rachel