Dysfunction junction, dysfunctional junk & junk dysfunction

Dysfunction junction, dysfunctional junk & junk dysfunction
Dear Rachel,
I think the Cork Screw Mixmaster is about to be changed at the 15th and Florida intersection in Durango. I bet most accidents were caused by men, and it was built by men, and it sucks. So, I see that the city is going to pay $78,000 for a study. What’s with that? I say save the money and we can use our thoughts and ideas to fix it. We can build pickleball courts or a new police station with the savings.
– Rosie the Riveter
Dear Rivie the Roseter,
Forget saving the money. If we’re going to give our thoughts, the city can pay us that 78 large instead of whoever is conducting the study now. The dough stays local, and you and I can split it. How’s 30/70 sound? I could sure use a big chunk, and you can use your third (ish) to put a pickleball court in your own damn yard.
– Good deal, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I cannot understand the macho mindset around not spaying and neutering dogs. (Probably not all men, to be fair, but definitely leans macho.) You must have no heart to know that a bunch of puppies are going to come into the world when there are already too many puppies and not enough homes. Or, you’re up to something more nefarious I don’t even want to think about. Do you have insight into this mindset?
– To Snip or Not to Snip 
Dear Barbie and Snipper,
I don’t get it either (unless you’re a legitimate breeder) (or an illegitimate one, because money spends either way). But I do know that for many of the testicularly graced in our society, their entire identity and self-worth is wrapped up in those little danglies. And, everything they own becomes extensions thereof. You want to neuter their dog for the good of the world? You might as well neuter the men themselves. Or, heck, I don’t know, ask them to recycle for the good of the planet. Doesn’t matter. Hands off, buckaroo.
– Getting snippy, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I keep thinking I should try this whole minimalist approach and clean out my closet, drawers and garage. But, do you know the joy of discovering something in the back of your wardrobe you haven’t worn in years, and it’s like you have a new accessory all over again? If I cleaned out, I’d never experience this glee again. Which is the right way here?
– Lost and Found
Dear Forgotten But Not Lost,
Two words: Storage. Unit. You get the delight of cleaning house and living in a Swedish interior design showroom. You also get the delight of your significant other not realizing that all your junk is just a short drive away, behind a padlocked sliding door. Sure, there’s an extra expense in renting such a unit just to house junk you will never touch again. But if you want in on our road-study scheme, we can probably cut you in on a couple g’s.
– The junk drawer of the newspaper world,
Rachel

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