Fake empathy, chasing cars and mob mentality

Dear Rachel,

I wish people wouldn’t ask questions they don’t want answers to. I just went through (and am still recovering from) a really emotional time. An acquaintance asked me what happened, and when I started to give a real answer he was all, “Woah, no stories please.” So, what’s the best way to handle fake empathy?

– An Ask Murderer

Dear Social Crime Victim,

There may not be dumb questions, but there are dumb questioners. Your best course of action may be lying. People want to know you are fine, but more than that, they don’t want to know that you’re not fine. Being not fine makes them uncomfortable, which really cramps their style. However, that would cramp YOUR style. So I say, be honest. You’ll find out who your real people are: the ones you haven’t yet offed.

– It was self-defense, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I have seen a lot on the parking issue in Durango, so I counted the cars on 2nd and 3rd avenues downtown at about 11 a.m. Total of 205 vehicles. I did not count south of College or the side streets but estimated another 180 there. Where the heck are the extra cars going to park when they widen the sidewalks? I have an idea. Let’s build a tram to shuttle people downtown. Then they can shop without walking three blocks. Your thoughts?

– Bean Counter

Dear Legume Tallier,

For being a self-professed, nom-de-plumed master of adding one number to another, I’m guessing you can figure out that when 2nd and 3rd are full of cars, they are likely to go to 4th, and 5th, and so on to infinity and beyond (or at least maybe 8th). I wanted to poo-poo your tram idea, but then I thought, if we have a shuttle, we can send all the tourists to Dalton Ranch, leaving the streets downtown free for you and me! (Or at least me!)

– Permit parking only, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need advice on finding clients who aren’t paying their overdue invoices. Not enough goons around here, and not enough baseball bats. Plus, the invoices aren’t enough dough to warrant actual jail time. Can you help?

– Little Vinnie

Dear Collections Agency,

I refer you to the first letter: don’t ask questions you don’t want answer to. “Where’s my money?” means you could get answers from “I just paid my kid’s tuition” to “I forgot where I buried the coffee can.” I recommend more direct, actionable questions, like, “Which finger do you like the least?” and “How far do you think you can swim with a cinder block?” Using these tactics, I’ve yet to have a single check from the Tele arrive late. Good luck!

– A walking overdue bill, Rachel