Feeling the pinch, family matters and conspiracy leery

Dear Rachel,
St. Patrick’s Day will be over before you can answer this, but I think my question is evergreen. When St. Paddy’s falls on a weekend, like this year, are your coworkers allowed to pinch you on the Friday before if you don’t wear green? This seems ridiculous to me, but I just got pinched three different times for wearing plaid and denim without a stitch o’ green. What the feck? (Pardon my Irish.)
–Lepre-can’t
Dear Pinchable,
There is absolutely no “St. Patrick’s Day (Observed)” on any calendar I’ve ever seen. But more to the point: what kind of adults are pinching you for not wearing green? This was a trend that I thought died out about the fifth grade. Now that we’re adults, we ought to be beyond that. We ought to only pinch people without a drink in their hands. But not green drinks. Ick.
–This rock’s a sham, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
The communication in my family is SO. FREAKING. PASSIVE. It makes me sick. To think I used to talk like this, until I moved out and did therapy and realized there are better ways. I’ve tried to teach my family how to communicate with me, but me asking for things like “Please use question words when making a request of me, instead of hinting that it would be great if I went to the store for you” just get met with defensiveness. Any quick tips or hacks?
–Family Matters
Dear Evolved Human,
Yes, I have a quick tip for you! It is certain to prevent any future communication issues between you and your family. Here we go: Never speak to your family again. Fake your own death if you have to. Or, fake theirs! Whatever it takes to prevent contact. Because that is the only way you will ever avoid your family driving you back to therapy over and over again. (Which, for the record, is the best place to go.)
–Fam girl, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
My coworker won’t shut up about chemtrails and vaccines and all these ways “they” are polluting us with chemicals. But then he also brings in prepackaged microwaveable meals for lunch. You know the ones: full of preservatives, not to mention plastic trays and film that almost certainly leak something into the food when it’s microwaved. Do I point out the cognitive dissonance? Or just quietly enjoy the irony?
–Kim Ickles
Dear Lab Rat,
There’s no talking sense here. Why? Because literally everything you contact is a chemical. And anything will kill you, eventually. But we’re not dead yet! Literally every single one of you reading this has survived so far. So let’s keep microwaving plastic and dyeing rivers green on St. Patrick’s Day just to see how far we can push it.
–Chem-do attitude, Rachel
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