Fish feed, pink slips and COVID cop out

Dear Rachel,

My roommate just got fish, which means I just got fish. Starting small, thank god. Just one tank, maybe 10 or 20 gallons. It’s become my job to feed them in the mornings. But neither of us know how much to feed fish. Will they overeat and pop? If they die of malnutrition, can my roomie pin it on an insufficient breakfast? I didn’t sign up for this, but such is the burden of splitting rent. Any help is appreciated.

– Go Fish

Dear Out to Sea,

I looked up the right amount to feed your aquarium fish. And the answer is: don’t overfeed them. Seriously, that’s about all the help I found out there. Too much food is very, very bad for the water and the fish. Too little food? Well, I guess that’s not really a concern? Or maybe the fish just eat each other, until the last one eats itself, and then it’s not your problem anymore.

– Hook line and sinker, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m getting rumblings of massive turnover at my job. You know, lots of talk about new directions, fresh energy and people back-of-house have been slowly disappearing, and people front-of-house are getting scrutinized. Am I better off jumping ship now, before getting axed? Or do I tough it out, see if I’m one of the chosen ones, and draw unemployment if I’m, ahem, released?

– Feeling the Heat

Dear Hot Plate,

Don’t think of it as getting, ahem, released. Think of it as getting promoted to customer. You’ll just get to pay for your own drinks now! No more asking the kitchen to make you some fries for you to eat while crouched down behind the register where patrons can’t see you! And maybe you can finally enjoy a hot meal and sleep during normal nighttime hours. You might find that getting unemployed (with or without unemployment) is the best thing that ever happened to you.

– Supersized, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Ugh, why is Covid surging again? I finally fell to the `rona, and not getting any clear guidance here, except from every friend who’s still an expert. CDC says isolate through five days, unless you need to isolate through 10. What if you’re still testing positive after 10, like I am? Eh, wear a mask, maybe? Don’t lick the communal lollipop? How’s a girl supposed to know what’s OK and what’s not in a world that has moved on from worrying about it? Should I just move on, too?

– Leper Colony of One

Dear Plague-Ridden,

I’m so glad you turned to me, your local infectious disease expert. I’d say you’re probably fine, unless you’re still feeling sick, in which case you might be not fine. I tested positive for so long that when I recently saw a TV show with a pregnancy test, I genuinely thought the woman was sick. Which leads me to suggest taking the fish-feeding approach here: Don’t get too much Covid.

– Where have you gone, Anthony Fauci, Rachel