Flaming hot omens, how not to relax &?closet cat haters

 

Dear Oven Mitt,

The reason you don’t see Cool Ranch Doritos sprinkled on the ground is because that stuff is the best stuff ever invented in a food lab. If I spilled a bag of those on the Sky Steps, I’d lick the steps just to get all the dust that might have fallen off. Hot Cheetos deserve to return to the earth where the chemicals that made them might have originally come from. As for MAGA – you’re talking a symbolic usage of snack food, which might be beyond some people’s ability to grasp.

– Don’t touch your eyes, Rachel

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Dear Rachel, 

 

Dear Cramped,

You sound like the exact kind of person who needs a massage. Maybe go with the ugly old masseuse instead of the cute new one. Take some of the pressure off. Maybe skip breakfast, if that’s such a concern. Don’t sleep at all the night before, so you’re good and tuckered. As for clenching down, I guarantee your masseuse has seen some crap. Possibly literally. You ain’t special.

– Workin’ for the rubdown, Rachel

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Dear Rachel,

 

Dear Sourpuss,

I agree with you. No more free handouts for cats! If they want a foster home, they need to WORK for it, just like everyone else! Next thing, they’ll want universal healthcare and public schools and efficient mass transit. We need to stop socializing cats NOW before this gets out of control. As for no more invites, you need to show that crazy no-cat lady side. Have you considered branching into expressing yourself with Flaming Hot Cheetos?

– Meow, Rachel