Flaming hot omens, how not to relax &?closet cat haters

Flaming hot omens, how not to relax &?closet cat haters
Dear Rachel,
So, lately, I’ve noticed red Flaming Hot Cheetos on the ground in more than a few places to make it more than just a coincidence: the Sky Steps, Animas Mountain trail, downtown sidewalks. What gives? I mean it’s not like Flaming Hot Cheetos are all that popular (I could see Lay’s potato chips or maybe Cool Ranch Doritos). Are they so hot that people have to spit them out? Sometimes the whole bag? Or is it part of a covert MAGA Cheetos reinstatement conspiracy?
– Too Hot to Handle
 
Dear Oven Mitt,
The reason you don’t see Cool Ranch Doritos sprinkled on the ground is because that stuff is the best stuff ever invented in a food lab. If I spilled a bag of those on the Sky Steps, I’d lick the steps just to get all the dust that might have fallen off. Hot Cheetos deserve to return to the earth where the chemicals that made them might have originally come from. As for MAGA – you’re talking a symbolic usage of snack food, which might be beyond some people’s ability to grasp.
– Don’t touch your eyes, Rachel

Dear Rachel, 

I have an issue with not really relaxing in a massage. Because if you relax too much, then you really relax, and the cute new masseuse will know exactly what you had for breakfast, and you can’t have that. So how the heck do people relax? Let alone fall asleep? Like, I know some people do, but lord knows what will come out of me if I’m not awake to clench down on it. How can I relax but just the right amount?
– Knotted Up
 
Dear Cramped,
You sound like the exact kind of person who needs a massage. Maybe go with the ugly old masseuse instead of the cute new one. Take some of the pressure off. Maybe skip breakfast, if that’s such a concern. Don’t sleep at all the night before, so you’re good and tuckered. As for clenching down, I guarantee your masseuse has seen some crap. Possibly literally. You ain’t special.
– Workin’ for the rubdown, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My neighbor is fostering some kittens and keeps inviting me over to help “socialize” them. But the truth is that I don’t like kittens. I know! Who doesn’t like kittens? But I just don’t think they’re cute. I don’t want to jerk string around for them to chase. I don’t want to cuddle them. And I do not want to “socialize” them. I don’t want to “socialize” myself. I am a loner, a crazy cat lady in every way but the cats. How can I stop getting invited without telling the awful truth?
– Kitty Catty
 
Dear Sourpuss,
I agree with you. No more free handouts for cats! If they want a foster home, they need to WORK for it, just like everyone else! Next thing, they’ll want universal healthcare and public schools and efficient mass transit. We need to stop socializing cats NOW before this gets out of control. As for no more invites, you need to show that crazy no-cat lady side. Have you considered branching into expressing yourself with Flaming Hot Cheetos?
– Meow, Rachel

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