Fore play, cat's pajamas and in a pickle

Fore play, cat's pajamas and in a pickle

Dear Rachel,

I know golf started in Scotland and the number of holes was 18, due to the fact that 18 shots of whiskey is average for a bottle and each hole they drank one until finished. But the word golf was used because... the Scottish wanted only men playing and drinking. So GENTLEMEN ONLY LADIES FORBIDDEN… GOLF. What new name for the sport should be given by a world-known lady of many talents?

– Minnie Driver

Dear Tiny Iron,

I think you “know” about golf the same way I “know” about black holes: a whole lot of storytelling, a whole nada of experience, possibly liberal amounts of drinking said scotch. You really think the Scottish would be so petty as to incorporate female exclusion into the name of the sport? And if they did, that they’d use bleeding ENGLISH to do it? Lad, if the Scottish were passionate about it, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it.

– Teed off, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I’ve heard my best friend refer to her “cat’s bedroom” for years. It’s just the second bedroom in her apartment, has a human bed and everything, so I just thought she meant it the same way other people refer to their Subarus as their dogs’ car. Welp. Fast forward to now, I’m temporarily between apartments and she’s kind enough to take me in for a couple weeks. Except I’m sleeping on the couch, because the bedroom is LITERALLY the cat’s bedroom and she won’t make him share it with me. Am I ungrateful? Or is she cray cray? Or both?

– Catty

Dear Second Tier,

Oh, she cray cray. You could also be more grateful, but for different reasons. You really want to sleep with a cat who’s pissed at sharing space with you? Or shack up with a friend who’s pissed you displaced her cat? Either one of them could urinate in your overnight bag. And there’s not much worse than that. For instance, if the couch is a hide-a-bed. If it is, get thee to a cattery.

– Meow, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

Relax at Santa Rita Park. Kids, adults, having fun. Soccer, walking, fishing, kayaking, playground, volleyball and, oh yeah, pickle ball. But where are the bathrooms? What’s a dog and cat to do? Men and women? Sand volleyball court replaced the bathroom. Hold it or use a green bag? We need more pickle ball or bathrooms at Santa Rita Park. You tell me, I’m holding it for your answer.

– John Crapper

Dear Jumpin’ Jack Flush,

I like to think I live in the same world you do. The same world as all of us. But clearly this is not so. Not judging by the amount of letters I get about a) green bags, b) pickleball, c) both green bags and pickleball. I do like that you wonder about using a green bag for yourself, though. Most people just go squat in the river for a hot minute or else use that giant litterbox. I mean sand volleyball court. Hey! Why not petition for a Santa Rita golf course. That would give you 18 holes, easy.

– Fore! Rachel

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