Game of love, getting wood and rub down

Game of love, getting wood and rub down

Dear Rachel,

Why the hell is the Super Bowl two days before Valentine’s Day? This did not used to be the case. There used to be a few weeks between bro holiday and chick holiday. I bring this up because when I proposed we celebrate V-Day over the weekend, my date said, “OK, but the weekend after, cuz we got the game.” Guess I know where I stand.

– Runner Up

Dear Driver Family,

Who says Super Bowl is a bro holiday? If you can tell me another day when any party anywhere in this great nation is guaranteed to have those little pinwheel rolls with the toothpicks, I’ll perform naked at next year’s halftime show. Which won’t be pretty, because I’ll have eaten a whole tray of pinwheel rolls.

– Ten hut, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I was this many years old when I realized the word “woodshed” exists because people actually build sheds to store firewood to keep it dry and give mice a nicer home. I can’t tell you how many times I had some variant of the thought, “Boy I wonder what people in wet places do to keep wood dry, since they can’t all use tarps?” What other words should I know about before I embarrass myself?

– Woodrow 

Dear Row of Wood,

You think “woodshed” is bad, imagine not knowing what “take you behind the woodshed” means. You’re on the brink of big time t-r-o-u-b-l-e and and all you can think is maybe there’s something exciting back there, like candy or sex, and then you find out there’s not even a real woodshed, just p-a-i-n. So you probably want to know that about a woodshed too.

– Wooda coulda shoulda, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I’m well into adulthood and feeling like crap. For the first time in 30 years, I thought of Vick’s Vapor Rub. My mom used to slather it on my chest at the first sign of a sniffle. They still make the stuff, and sure as I stand here today, it helped. But how does a minty gunk on my chest help clear up my crud?

– Stuffalupagus

Dear Mama’s Boy,

Sounds like, in applying Vick’s, you got more action than I did on Valentine’s Day. If it works, don’t question it. You do not want that stuff on your orifices, though, so keep it separate from sexy time and/or feeding time. Ain’t nothing getting between me and my pinwheels, not even a mentholated chest lubricant.

– Minty fresh, Rachel

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