Getting canned, bad meat and woke lattes

Dear Rachel,

Colorado is 49th in teachers’ pay. Ten states have 5-10 cents per can deposits. When you take back a can you get a refund slip to purchase product. The cans are then recycled. If you don’t return a can, the store keeps the money. How about the refund not picked up goes to teachers’ salaries and schools? 

– Can Dew

Dear Nickel and Dime,

Hmm. Let’s say that teachers deserve to make $100,000 more each year. (Because they do.) Let’s say our can deposit is 10 cents to make the math easier, because I was taught by underpaid teachers. Each teacher therefore deserves a million unreturned cans. Multiply by the teachers in the state, and that’s 58 billion cans – give or take – or 10,000 per Colorado resident per year. Our teachers deserve better than that.

– Drink up, buttercup, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Coming here from the NY, I am accustomed to the interminably long wait for sliced deli products. But at least the ergonomics of the slice are worth it. Now being a Durango resident, it is apparent those East Coast skill sets were taken for granted. Regardless of where I go, I still suffer the typical wait, but now upon arriving home, I am accosted with a crumpled-up ball of surprising thicknesses that only perplexes, nay, infuriates my sandwich-making. Why oh why must we suffer so?

– Mr. Deli...cate

Dear Sensitive Meat,

Yes! It is a crime that localized skill sets are not universally distributed across this great nation! I bet you can’t even get a decent bagel here to slap around your shoddy meat. And Colorado cheese just doesn’t stack up to Wisconsin. And! Don’t even get me started on how hard it is to find good shrimp and grits. It’s really too bad; I guess you’ll just have to move back.

– Thick sliced, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am all for people eating what they enjoy and are capable of eating. But when I order a latte (straight up, none of the Starbucks mumbo jumbo), there’s now an extra step where baristas ask me if I want regular milk. That’s what a latte is! The onus for ordering the alternate should be on the customer, right?

– Whole Latte Love

Dear Milk Man,

Wholehearted, whole-milked agreement. This is one area where wokeness has gone TOO FAR AND MUST BE STOPPED. I am SICK AND TIRED of baristas wanting to make certain you get EXACTLY THE CUP OF COFFEE YOU WANT. You want your latte choices questioned when you order? Go back to the state you came from. 

– Full Caff, Rachel