Getting dogged, Christmess & celebrity recall

Dear Rachel,

You know, Rachel, I love dogs. It’s the people I don’t get. My brother comes over every so often with his two hounds. They inevitably tear up one of my dog’s stuffed toys. I don’t care, it’s what dogs do. But my bro never even offers to replace it. Oh he knows it happens. He always says, “Sorry man,” but never gives my girl a new toy to make up for it. Am I wrong to expect and want that?

– Bro-Zoned

Dear Dude-Mooded,

This is weirdly close to talking about your feelings and stuff. Don’t guys usually just punch this stuff out? Especially brothers? Even if you’re a sister, don’t we resort to physical confrontation with our bros to get our points across? I’m frankly a little freaked out at the idea of emotional depth, even just fluff-deep, with a literal brother. Pin that schmuck to the ground and pummel him while shouting “Give! My! Lolita! A new! Stuffed! Animal!” until he cries uncle. 

– Using my words, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My wife and I have a long-running Christmas war. She has three generations of holiday kitsch in cardboard boxes that explode throughout the house. She would paint the interior with fake snow if it wouldn’t mean divorce. I have a distaste for everything Christmas and have tried to compromise with her every year. But now she has started hand-making decorations to edge the needle back her direction. Is there any way I can say no to things she’s making her own darn self?

– Mister Grinch

Dear Mean One,

Pretty sure “compromise” here means “whatever you want, honey, so long as it comes down by Valentine’s Day.” You get nine, maybe 10 months out of the year where the Christmas explosion is contained to cardboard. Any attempt to repress the holiday spirit in any month ending in -ember or -ary is going to end with you in the fetal position, and the only Clauses you’ll meet will be delivered by attorneys.

– Standing under the missile toad, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently saw a minor celebrity downtown. I know this happens in like Telluride and Aspen all the time, but I’d never seen someone in person who I’m used to seeing on screen. Problem was, I couldn’t remember where I’d seen him. Probably a guest star on a dozen different shows, but I really couldn’t walk up to him and ask for a photo without saying where I liked him from. Now I regret saying nothing. What should I do next time this happens? Or did I blow my one shot?

– Cameo Appearance

Dear Bit Part Extra,

Speaking as a minor celebrity, we HATE when people come up to us and just want to talk about how much they like us. Ugh. Way cooler if you just sidle up next to us at the bar and strike up normal conversation. Like, if the minor celebrity is a guy, just punch him on the arm. If that doesn’t work, he’ll punch you back, and you have a way better story.

– No autographs, Rachel