Getting ghosted, on the juice and being worked over

Dear Rachel,

My group of friends loves to sit around and share their paranormal stories. It’s not just because Halloween is here either, though that causes a decided uptick in the norm. Ghosts in their hallways, warps in spacetime, glitches in the matrix. All cool, creepy stuff. But I have no ghost stories. I’ve never been haunted, never had my stuff rearranged, never had messages whispered through my pillow. How can I meet a specter just once? Or is it me?

– Ghosted by Ghosts

Dear Caspered by Casper,

Woof. That sounds rough. Can’t even get the undead to glance your way. Dating during COVID really is the pits. Going to go out on a big phantom limb here: have you ever considered that your friends make it all up? That there really was no headless hitchhiker or creepy kid in a propeller hat floating outside the window? I’ve only met one ghost in my time, and she turned out to be the radio playing low in the other room.

– Boo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve turned into a diehard, evangelical juicer. Never thought it would happen. Used to mock people who slurped ginger celery concoctions in public. But I can’t stop now. I offer to make juice for everyone who walks down my block. Corner people at the grocery store. Buy the discounted produce in bulk because it would make great juice, bruises and all. I’m basically only writing to you to hijack your platform. Tell everyone how juicing rocks!

– Born to Juice

Dear Juice Springsteen,

Juicing rocks? You won’t get very far doing that. Also, I seriously cannot imagine the Boss juicing for anything other than preparation for a medical procedure in his advancing age. He is way too cool to juice. Think of all the uncool juicers out there. Steroid users. O. J. Simpson. The only cool juice is a Capri Sun, because you could blow the bag back up through the straw and pretend it was full again.

– Squeeze this, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I’m in my first “real” job experience right now, and while the regular paycheck is cool, the expectations are not. Turns out I’m contracted for 8-5 with a lunch break. But the boss expects me to work after hours to “show my dedication,” and he makes me clock out for lunch while also telling me to work through it. You won’t be surprised to learn I also don’t get overtime pay. What’s the best particular way to give him the bird while also, you know, keeping my pay?

– Working for The Man

Dear Employee of the Month,

No one should have to work after hours. I mean, I often write this column at like 9:30 at night. But that’s my choice. No one makes me, except my editor that one time I forgot to do it earlier and the deadline loomed like an unforgiving boss. Time to stage a haunting. Get the ghosts on your side. And if your boss doesn’t learn his lesson, then you ghost right on outta there.

– Clocking out, 

Rachel