Getting salty, awkward accents and freedom of stickers

Getting salty, awkward accents and freedom of stickers

Dear Rachel,

Salt dehydrates you. But you need salt to replenish the salt you lose with sweating, etc. So don’t drink salt water, but put some salt in your water. Salt bad, but salt also good. I’m so confused. This doesn’t feel worth scheduling a doctor’s appointment to get an answer on, so maybe you can help.

– Salty Dog

Dear Salt of the Earth,

This is a classic issue of anything will kill you in quantity. Water, oxygen, sunlight. Country music, modern art, kittens. Too much time with your own parents. Too much nacho cheese flavoring. I’d like to test those for myself. Haven’t had the chance yet; maybe I can write a grant for it.

– Well peppered, Rachel 


Dear Rachel,

I take things literally sometimes. Not TOO literally. I don’t think it’s actually raining men in the song. But I have thought that “maintaining eye contact” means “stare a person right in the eye.” I keep not getting jobs, and my friends told me it’s really disconcerting the way I stare. I need help. How am I supposed to maintain eye contact without maintaining eye contact?

– Laser Beam

Dear Stare Master,

I believe, wholeheartedly, that you can cover up all human behavioral faux pas with a mild and unplaceable accent. You’ll leave all your interviewers musing about your origins. When they ask where you’re from, don’t answer – tell them where you live, instead. This’ll add to your mystique. 

– Looking through you, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I see that 9-R and Durango HS are having an issue with LGBTQ+ and Black Lives Matter flags in the classrooms. Well, what are they going to do with the stickers on the cars and trucks in the student parking lot (owned by the parents mostly)? Tow them, ticket them, arrest them? I want to know your thoughts. Well educated on the law? Or just stupid on human rights? 

– Pink Panther

Dear Concerned Citizen,

I have no idea if you are well educated on the law. But you do know enough about human rights to know there are, you know, human rights issues at play. I’m no lawyer, so take it with a grain of salt when I say that a student’s personal property (even if it’s owned by a parent, and EVEN IF it’s parked on school property) is a whole other free speech arena than a classroom. Actually, maybe take that with a bucket of salt. Hydration be damned.

– Letting my freak flag fly, Rachel

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