GIF'd off, not making cents and pressing situation

GIF'd off, not making cents and pressing situation
Dear Rachel,
There’s been a disturbing development among my friends: increased usage of this voice-recording feature in the iPhone text messaging thingy. The whole point of texting is so that I don’t have to use my voice or hear yours. I just want to use quality GIFs to express my reactions and get on with my day. But they have started sending recorded messages, which are like voicemails without the phone calls. I don’t know the etiquette to respond, so I don’t. What are your thoughts?
– Vow of Silence
Dear Monkish,
My favorite approach to communication is to get a voicemail, listen to it right away, refuse to call back right away because then they’d know I was just screening them for their voicemail, then forget to call back ever until I delete old voicemails months down the line and decide who can really handle me calling out of the blue without ever acknowledging their neglected VM. This new feature sounds stressful, and I am glad I don’t have any friends left to use it on me.
– Go away, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I can watch people who will drive to Farmington just to blow their wad at Target, turn all Ebenezer on things like gas and stamps. Like, those folks who will wait out a red light to flip a U-turn and save two cents a gallon. Or, like when the PO just raised the cost of a forever stamp by, like, three cents, I watched people buy up many entire books just to save what amounted to 60 cents a pop. What is it about these little things that drives people to become hoarders and misers?
– Pinching Pennies
Dear Squeezing Cents,
Can you really say “flip a U-turn?” I think you flip a word I ought not write in the paper but is kind of like “beach.” Or else you can flip a you-ee. But that doesn’t look right. Do you flip a U-E? Whatever. You make a U-turn, flip a Ewe-Ee. And I will pay whatever they ask for stamps, so long as the sheet o’ sassy Star Wars droids is an option.
– Take my money, Rachel

Dear Rachel, 

What is the best way to press flowers? I’ve been roped into an adult craft project, and I pressed flowers as a kid, but I don’t know if it worked because I always forgot about them. I’m certain they are still in my parents’ unread books somewhere. I just don’t want to YouTube this one thing. Help a girl out?
– Flower Powerless
Dear Late Bloomer,
I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. I hate YouTubing every little thing anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, everything I know I learned on YouTube. But watching YouTubers makes me feel like a failure, because these people with no appreciable acting or film editing skills have whole careers out of showing you the right way to, I don’t know, crack an egg. So girl, trust yourself. Just stick some flowers in a book like you always did, and then forget about them like you always did.
– [Insert appropriate GIF here], Rachel

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