Gift grift, gridiron grind and Soberuary
Dear Rachel,
What’s the statute of limitations on keeping unwanted gifts? My sister got me this book of poems (I hate poetry) by some fundamentalist preacher (I hate religion) trying to be cutesy (I hate cuteness). She also got me several throw-ins from her multi-level marketing “business” that I’ll never use and honestly smell atrocious. I wonder, how long until she forgets what she gave me, and by what point I’m beyond reproach if I get busted for clearing this crap outta here.
– Gift Horsepoop
Dear Rotten Horse Mouth,
Does your sister even come into your house? If not, simply don’t let her in. You have a pandemic still to blame. She’ll never know. Alternately, you can always say you used up the gifts she gave you, and tear off the book cover and use it to wrap up some small piece of your porn collection. If you still have physical porn. Does anyone still have physical porn these days? That’s a MLM scheme I might invest in.
– Unwanted and unopened, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I used to be a big collegiate sports fanatic. And mostly not the big sports, but like track and field, and baseball, and lacrosse. But football is ruining it all for me. These kids are getting ground up like sausage in that Pink Floyd movie. And it’s all a rigged system. Rigged to make rich people richer. Rigged to put the same schools in the championship every year. All the purity of college sports is tainted by this behemoth. How can I get the enjoyment back?
– National Collegiate Addicts Anonymous
Dear Co-ed,
I literally have no idea what you are talking about, except that it sounds like The Man is at it again. Yeah! Stick it to the man! Stop eating Tostitos or whatever chip company sponsors things these days. That’ll show ‘em! Then maybe, I don’t know, go outside and participate in some amateur sports of your own? Best case scenario, you become fit and fantastic. Slightly worse case, you wear yourself out to the point you can enjoy football without thinking about it.
– Go team go, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
All my friends are dry now. Everyone chooses January to stop drinking. I halfway admire them, because they’re not kidding anyone that they’ll give up drinking for the full year or even for Lent. But I’m also annoyed because now all my friends are lame for 31 days. And I never feel like a problem drinker until I’m drinking alone in the darkest days of winter. How can I feel more social until February?
– Lonesome Drunk
Dear Dry Mouth,
There’s this beautiful children’s book out there, narrated by a dinosaur, called “All My Friends Are Dead.” So hey, at least your friends aren’t dead! Just dead to you. Since not drinking is not an option for you, you need another pastime to accompany it. Wanna help me revive the world of tangible, physical, fits-under-your-mattress porn? Socially distanced, of course. Like, you stay in your home and I’ll stay in mine.
– No dryness here, Rachel
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