My body has been going through some noticeable changes lately. I’m certain all my friends have noticed. How could they not? It’s hard to miss the random secretions that squirt out of my control across the table or into someone’s face while we’re talking. Some people can gleek on command, but not me. I wish I could STOP gleeking on command, but so far that’s not working either. It didn’t used to be this way. What is wrong with me?
– Lips Are Sealed
Dear Fire Hydrant,
I’ve read so many books and seen so many movies where the weirdo/freak/awkward person turns out to be super cool, or super generous, or super powered, but first they have to learn to love yourself. You can skip the loving-yourself step and go straight for the capitalist solution. How can you monetize your excessive saliva-squirting? Can you dye it different colors? Synchronize it with music? Use it to win bar bets?
– Cha ching, Rachel
I love my dog. I’m one of those people who lets the dog on the couch, sleep in bed and lie next to me while I’m eating. I totally give her spizza crusts and salmon skins and all the good stuff I eat. I want to let her lick me to show affection, too, but the problem is, she is obsessive. Specifically, she obsesses over licking herself clean. She doesn’t get sick from it, and I grew up learning that dog saliva has healing qualities if they lick your booboos. So is it possible that her mouth really is clean too?
– Dr. Dog
Dear Doggie Hygienist,
I love my dog too. Sometimes, when I’m feeling neglected, I’ll rub lotion on my calves just to let my dog lick it off for a moment. But I have to presume you mean licking on the face, or else the whole cleaning-implement thing wouldn’t be so relevant. If you can’t shower it off, don’t let ’em lick it. I mean, that’s my rule for dating, but it sure transfers to dogs too.
– Lap it up, Rachel
I have my own lawn to care for for the first time in my life, and I need a straight answer. My mom says I should put down mulch to retain moisture and help my plants grow. My dad says I should put down mulch to suppress weeds and suffocate baby plants. Clearly I should put down mulch. But won’t mulch kill the good baby plants too? Or else won’t it just water the weeds?
– All Mulched Up
Dear Stuck Between Parents,
The most morbid thing about gardening is that you surround living plants with pieces of dead plants to help them grow. Can you imagine if we gave tiger cubs the bones of old tigers to chew on? Do cats even chew bones? Irrelevant. Anyway, you need a targeted watering system to water where you want plants to pop up between the mulch. Like a permanent gleeker, installed on your lawn.
– Covering lots of ground, Rachel