Glitching out, home alone and seeing red
Dear Rachel,
How do we know we’re not just living in a simulation? Not an original existential crisis. I know. But for some reason it sank its teeth into me lately. I was having a klutzy morning and bumping into things that have been in place for years. Things like my counter, the walls. All I could think was that the entire program reset and shifted things in an update. Is there a way out of this?
- Bug in the Machine
Dear Glitch,
You played one too many rounds of The Sims when you were younger, didn’t you? Some part of your psyche is still thinking of ways to toy with the little people and their little families in their increasingly less little houses, and this other part of your psyche (the part called “having a conscience”) starts to ponder if you’re the one being controlled. It would be easier, in some ways. No guilt, no responsibility. But if we’re all in a sim, at least the programmers thought to give us things like taste buds.
– Power down, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I’ve heard that our parents age back into childhood, and we become the caretakers. But this is a new one. My mom, in her quest for feeling safe in the Big Scary World Out There, has started boobie trapping her house. I walked in the front door (after being invited!) and a small bookshelf fell on me. I asked her WTF and she said oh that’s to scare off robbers. I don’t even know what my question is for you, except the one I asked her: WTF?
- Ambushed Son
Dear Gotcha!
I have no idea WTF is up with yo mama, but I DO have, all of a sudden, a brilliant idea for a “Home Alone” remake. I’m not going to write it down here, because I don’t want you stealing it like some hapless burglar, but I’m guessing you can extrapolate using context clues.
– Thirsty for more, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Can you tell me why the cyclist crosswalks are painted green? Green means go, not stop. Don’t you think it should be painted red for “stop, dummy?” Then have a green or white bike painted in the middle of the red cross walk. Hey, cyclists need all the protection they can get. The one I think is so dumb is at the light at South City Market.
- Green Jeans
Dear Greenie Meanie,
Why do you think the cyclist at the light at South City Market is so dumb? Is it because they are, presumably, constantly there, foiled by the crosswalks? It’s not nice to call them dumb, when for all you know they are colorblind, and they think the crosswalk is red, telling them to stop instead of go, and so there they are stuck, unable to move forward, unable to think laterally, stuck forever like an old Sims character walking into an immovable corner.
– Beep beep, Rachel
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