Going au naturel, angry birds and picking a bone(r)

Dear Rachel,

After the ruling on us women mostly from old men from Texas, Florida and Idaho, do you think we should outlaw Viagra for men? God said, go natural or abstain.

– American Woman

Dear US Ladyperson,

I’m no religious expert, but it really sounds like, in your understanding of faith, God is a bareback-or-nothin’ kind of guy. Actually, that’s basically my understanding, too. That God sounds like the creepy guy on Craigslist responding to your ad for a $20 pet-stained couch. Spoiler: he doesn’t want the couch. Don’t outlaw Viagra. The only thing worse than a bunch of raging men with hard-ons is a bunch of raging men who can’t get them. You do not want those guys lurking around your unwanted furniture.

– OBO, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I saw two herons fly over my house recently. A real red-letter day. Then I saw them again. Then I saw them yet again. Now I’m starting to think those birds are scoping my house. Are they even birds? Could they be surveillance drones? Or if they really are birds, could they want something from a 2bd 1ba within short flying distance from the Animas?

– Ariel Surveillance

Dear Little Mermaid,

Were there cloudy lines following those herons? These could be the newest mechanism for releasing chemtrails. It’s probably the result of herons eating fish that survived the Animas spill. Now they fart toxic chemicals, which is why the gubmint stooges made that spill happen. Wake up, sheeple!

– A little bird told me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I can’t decide if plants at the garden center are the biggest rip off or the best steal of all time. I pay $20 for a plant that I have to water and that I can’t eat. $20 buys a lot of edible plants at the grocery store. That said, I buy a living organism that made it this far without dying and could bring me invaluable joy. Which is it? Bargain or scam?

– Flower Girl

Dear Chica de Flores,

I was trying to think of something else that costs $20 that we could compare it to. What about Viagra? So I pulled up an incognito browsing window (do NOT want that crap in my algorithm) and found out Viagra is $70 A FREAKING PILL. Generic is something like $4, so let’s split the diff and say you (or someone) can get 2.86 generic hard-ons for the cost of one Jupiter’s Beard. In my experience, flowers ain’t forever, but they sure last a lot longer than… you know.

– Generically, Rachel