Greasy men, distracted listening and germaphobia
Dear Rachel,
Yeah, I’m behind the curve, don’t care. I’m suddenly and madly in love with Henry Cavill in the Witcher. What is it about these dirty, greasy, road-weary men that is just so dang … hot? I think my type is extremely clean cut and wearing an immaculate suit. But then give me those unbrushed locks and I just crumble inside. Any insight on this phenomenon and how to embrace it?
– Be-Witchered
Dear Red-blooded Human,
We always want what we can’t have. And that’s a greasy man who is also insanely attractive. Yours is the Witcher, mine was Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Ya know, he of Lord of the Rings fame. Others love Snape for whatever reason, even though he’s not so much greasy as just in need of a better showerhead. These are all fantasy characters for a reason: real dirt and real grease do not play up the real sexy. I mean… (gestures at all of Durango).
– Man up, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I finally gave in and tried books on tape. I mean, not literally. That was like four or five formats ago. You know what I mean. Library card, download the app, check out a book, listen to it. My friends said oh you’ll love it, you can listen while driving or doing chores or going to sleep or whatever. But I get distracted and miss a whole chapter. Or, I get too caught up and burn dinner. What’s the secret to enjoying audiobooks like a normal person?
– Audio Illiterate
Dear Distracted,
I am the wrong, wrong person to ask. I’m the one who listens to podcasts at 2x speed in hopes that finishing them quicker means I will absorb more before ooh look a shiny object. Ain’t no shame in not being an audiobooker. The printed word is where it’s at. Just look at what you’re doing right now.
– Read to me, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
My girlfriend has a cold. Never mind that we shouldn’t be having colds this time of year. She expects me to care for her, with like cuddles and crap. I don’t want to get sick! I wore a mask around her once, and she got hurt. So now I hold my breath and breathe through my nose. Did Covid ruin me or shouldn’t we always be worried about germs? I’m not wrong for wanting to stay well, am I?
– Unmasked
Dear Doting Dolt,
You’re not wrong – but that doesn’t put you in the right. It is your Sacred Duty to acknowledge that you are probably going to catch whatever your girlfriend has, probably right when she is starting to feel better. That means it will be your turn to receive pity and buttered toast and whatever you desire! And she’s contractually obligated to return the favor. I recommend playing up the unshowered/unkempt angle for better success. Or, suggest you binge-watch the Witcher together.
- Ah-choo, Rachel
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