Green washing, girls not gone wild and vegging out

Dear Rachel,

I don’t trust the pre-washed greens at the grocery store. They tell me they’re washed three times, which makes me trust them less. I don’t wash anything three times. What’s so bad with their washing system that it requires three times through the cycle? I end up rinsing them anyway. Should I be eating them as they come straight out of the packaging, or am I savvy to give them that fourth wash?

– Not Easy Eating Greens

Dear Mr. Clean,

Think of it like the stages of showering. First wash is for your hair. Second wash is all the face products you use. Third is the wash for the whole rest of your body. You could drizzle yourself with a men’s all-in-one wash to give yourself a fourth clean, but why? What amazes me is how we’re just supposed to give the rest of our produce a quick little rinsie-poo before we eat it, when spinach apparently requires industrial cleansing. Food is weird, yo.

– Good to the finish, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

The NCAA allows young male college students to go shirtless at the football games. I ask you, when is the NCAA going to let us young female students do the same? 

- Dee Cup

Dear Deez Cups,

I’m all for women’s liberation. Everything on the right side of that line, I’m pro. I’m not sure where that line is, but somehow, you’re on the wrong side of it. Just no. No no no no no. Nope. Nuh uh. Nein. Nyet. Nope. No. Maybe it’s the way you’re talking about yourself as “young.” It’s giving Epstein. You feel like an old perv hanging outside the sorority house with a ski mask and a Polaroid camera. Just no.

– Covered up, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I tell my wife we need to eat more veggies. She says we are: on football weekends, we eat potato chips, corn puffs, popcorn and French fries. And Doritoes. I say no. What’s your idea of a veggie?

– Muffin

Dear Carrot Cake,

I got way freaking distracted by your pluralization of Doritos. They’re not actual food, so they don’t follow the same rules as potatoes (which you eat plenty of) and tomatoes (which you don’t). I’m now picturing Nacho Cheese-dusted little piggies going whee-whee-whee all the way to market, where they pick up one of those giant barrel tubs of snacks for your game day gastrointestinal delight. At least put some ketchup on that stuff. Get some trace amounts of real food. But wash your corn nuts before you eat them.

– Full up, Rachel