Hang up and walk, up in arms and a crummy gift

Dear Rachel,

I see that it’s now against the law to talk on a hand-held cell phone while driving, with exceptions. Do you think the city will make it a law that talking and looking at your phone  while walking on the new WIDE sidewalk is a violation? My friend got hit head-on by a talker who was looking at his phone. A bump and go, but OK.

– Chatty Kathy

Dear Walkie-Talkie,

Absolutely not, because this is America. It’s a matter of moments until a high-ranking government official appeals this driving phone ban to the Supreme Court, where a 6-3 ruling will overturn it – all because you brought it to their attention with your letter. I do think walk-and-texters should have to wear neon flags on tall poles, though, just like those recumbent cyclists use for safety.

– Shut up and walk, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Have you seen THE DRAWING? You know what I’m talking about. The creepy self-incriminating one. The words are bad enough until I realized the (young) woman’s body has no head and no arms. Not just “not included on the page” but actually missing. What does this say about the (I hate to use the word) artist?

– Unarmed

Dear Mannequin,

The right to draw arms is not enshrined in the Constitution. Not that it would much matter if it were. We as a nation are much more okay with taking away people’s arms than we are with taking away their arms, if you know what I mean. It’s much harder to exercise that Second Amendment right to defend ourselves against a tyrannical government without limbs! It’s also harder if, you know, it was never actually about defending ourselves against a tyrannical government at all.

– Disarming, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I appreciate people doing nice things for birthdays. But I also hate when people bring things just for the sake of bringing things. Like recently, a friend brought a carton of crummy grocery-store cookies to a get-together that did not require cookies. It just happened to be on a birthday. A couple of people nibbled politely but we threw most of the cookies out because they were terrible. How can we stop gratuitous and wasteful gesturing?

– No-Cookie Monster

Dear Stone Cold,

In a world rife with dangers, injustices, misappropriations and people walking while using their cell phones, you’re going to gripe about cookies? Even a crummy grocery-store cookie beats no cookie at all. And I’d rather live in a world where we gift each other gratuitous cookies instead of wildly horrifying birthday drawings. Give it a rest and eat the damn cookie.

– A tall glass of milk, Rachel