Heather from Sideshow Emporium

Diver: Heather Narwid, owner of Sideshow: vintage & modern clothing.

Interesting Fact: The national animal of Scotland is the unicorn.

Dear Diver,

I have a question about river right of way. When a kayaker or surfer is playing in a wave or hole and a raft comes barreling through, who’s required to get out of the way first? Sure, the raft is the bigger craft but the kayaker or surfer was there first. Is there some sort of maritime rule on this we can refer to?

– Yakker

Dear Yakker,

Yes, it’s called the Rule of Physics. Nimble-quick surf/yak would be wise to get its playful and comparatively delicate ass out of the way of the large, less-navigable craft full of semi-nude and possibly inebriated folk. And the kayak wasn’t there first – the river was, so ultimately Old Man River is gonna put any craft wherever the hell he pleases. 

P.S. Who told you things were fair? – Diver

Dear Diver,

My daughter is a horsy girl and has been bugging us to get her a horse. I am adamantly opposed due to the cost and work involved, but I fear my wife is starting to cave to the idea. Please, diver, help me win this battle. How do I convince them that a goldfish, cat, dog, American Girl doll obsession – anything – is better than a horse.

–  Getting Bucked

Dear Mr. Ed,

No, the Diver cannot help you win this unwinnable battle of genetics. Certain females are hard-wired to crave the close company of large, stinky, potentially dangerous mammals. This unstoppable obsession rears up early in the female psyche as the pure and innocent, powerful and rhythmic Horse. So you will go broke with the horse, but there’s an upside: countless hours spent working, cleaning filth and fetishizing Horse will well prepare your dear girl for a womanhood experienced amongst a similar yet more questionable fetish-object: Man.

P.S. Bonus tip! Name your new pony “The Diver!”

–Diver

Dear Diver,

We are getting married later this summer and I expect all of my husband’s uptight East Coast relations will be in attendance. It’s going to be the typical outdoor Colorado wedding and needless to say, I’m sure they will all be horrified. They are going to arrive a few days early, so I plan to warm them up to the Durango lifestyle so they are not in shock on the big day. What does the diver suggest for a crash course in Durango 101 so everyone can kick up their heels and have a good time?

– The Wedding Planner

DearFit to be Tied, 

Smother their uptight, indoor-smugness with some surreal-life Colorado livin’... Welcome them to their guest accommodations: a tent and groover in your driveway. Spike every freegan meal you serve them with edible THC and play bluegrass incessantly. Explain how guests will journey to your wedding ceremony via air mattresses on the Animas River, everyone completely nude to symbolize the purity of your union. When they finally arrive at your wedding, the big-haired blue-bloods will have been Colorado’d into dazed compliance and will generously gift you with some sweet, East Coast Old Money.

– Diver