High-fructose fun, rat race and just say no

Dear Rachel,

With Halloween coming up, do you think it’s ok to give out popcorn balls to the trick or treaters? Yeah, the homemade ones that I gave out in the 1960s before you were born. Do you think any of the kids even know what a popcorn ball is? I don’t think a mom in 2023 has even made one. Oh I guess a packaged candy bar will do. Not so much trouble to show them how to make them and enjoy. Do you like them or have you even made one? It may be not approved as a healthy snack, but my kids loved them. Happy Halloween, Rachel.

– Jolly Time Mom

Dear Good Time Woman,

I would absolutely not recommend giving out the popcorn balls you made in the ’60s. No way are those still edible. Not even with the preservatives going around kitchens by then. Better living through chemistry! Speaking of which, if you are still a jolly time mom 60 years later, I have to wonder what chemistry is keeping you going. Because with a name like that, it sure sounds like popcorn balls weren’t the most popular of the treats you were giving out on Halloween.

– Definitely tricks, please, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

When I drive the highways at night, I see mice and other rodents running through my headlights almost nonstop. Now I know rats and mice aren’t dumb. But I have to wonder, are they actually attracted to the lights or something else about the car? Or is there just such a population density of these critters that, under a normal distribution, some portion of them have to be in my path at all times?

– Rat Flattener

Dear Mouse Press,

Have you ever considered the possibility that it’s all you? The mice could be drawn to you. Are you, by chance, both pied and a piper? What is pied, anyway? Is that the act of turning raw ingredients into a pie? Sounds like you could open your own mincemeat pie factory, with all the road-ents you’re racking up.

– Squeak, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I gotta tell you, drugs have not been nearly as prevalent in my life as the DARE program in school made me believe. It could be that I just don’t have cool loser friends. Or it could be that adulthood is so much work that I don’t have time for drugs. To the point I’m starting to wonder if a better Just Say No campaign would focus on turning down unnecessary obligations, signing up for too many group activities, having one more kid. I think there’s untapped power in saying no. What do you think? Could we get funding for this program?

– Negative Captain

Dear Dr. No,

No siree, I do not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s not a needed campaign. (Ugh, look, you’ve got me tied up in nots!) I say yes to too many things, because the future is wide open, and I think the future is full of Snickers when really it’s just a minefield of popcorn balls. 

– In the no, Rachel