Hollow eve, breaking the code and faked out

Dear Rachel,

I’m all for adults having their fun. Buy Lego sets. Go see “Wicked” 17 times. Whatever. But the Halloween dress-up standards have gone too far. Going to a Halloween party or your kids’ school shenanigans? Fine. Going to literally anything that is not a Halloween party and being asked to dress in costume? Get all the way off. Do you agree this is too far?

– Going as a Grownup

Dear Unmasked Menace,

I need context! Do the costumes interfere with something important like, I don’t know, a dental exam? Am I at risk of putting an eye out on a vampire’s lifted collar because we’re dressing up for rugby? Or is the only real risk that someone might get poked in the gaping wound in their soul that rages every time other people are simply enjoying themselves without causing actual harm to anyone? The way I see it, I dress up as a semi-functioning adult every day, and so far I keep getting rewarded with not dying. It’s not quite as good as a full-size Snickers, but it’ll do.

– Smell my feet, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I don’t understand two-factor authentication. You know, “hey we’re going to text you a number to make sure you’re you.” All that does is make sure that my hacker doesn’t have my phone. If someone got my phone (which has my email AND my authenticator app, by the way), they can two-factor their way into everything I own. What’s the reasoning here, and how does any of this work?

– One Finger to Two-Factor

Dear Inconvenienced,

Heck if I know. All I know is that I’m terrible at keeping secrets, and every single verification code I get expressly tells me not to share my code with anyone. And I can’t take it anymore. To everyone reading: my verification code is 964426. 

– Happy hunting, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

How old were you when you realized that just because someone is professional doesn’t mean they are actually any good at what they do? I know it real bad after being let down by a couple’s therapist who was more of a daytime show host, sparking fights with us and then letting us leave. You have any horror stories like this?

– Expert Disappointment

Dear Anti-Pro,

Unfortunately, I figured this out in second grade when I went to see the nurse at school because my stomach hurt. She told me I was fine – without even looking at my stomach. I was one disillusioned 8-year-old. This is why I feel better every Halloween about dressing up as a functioning adult: we’re all wearing costumes, baby. Some of us just have certificates on the wall to heighten the illusion.

– Passing, Rachel