Hop Phelps

Dear Diver,

I really want to fit in with my effortlessly cool rock climbing friends. This summer, I’ve tried to fit into the culture as best I can. I secretly used self-tanner to create the perfect chaco and farmer’s tans, and I’ve started buying store brand cereal even though I can afford the good stuff. My efforts have impressed some of my new friends, but I’m worried they’re going to ask me to climb with them soon and they will see me for the poser I am. Should I continue to lie to them, or is it time to vacuum my car and move on?

– Sincerely, Not-so-dirtbag

Dirtbag Wannabe,

Are you afraid of heights? Because if so, no amount of self tanner is going to make you cool enough to hang with these folks.  You have to actually do the activity.  I mean, you could tag along as a low land Sherpa hauling gear but what fun is that? Here’s a scale of Durango Activity Coolness 1 being the most cool (possibly owing to the death factor) to 10 being the least (and absolutely open to new participants): 1. rock/ice climbing; 2. backcountry telemarking; 3. Kayaking; 4. mountain biking; 5. ultimate Frisbee; 6. rec softball; 7. pick up soccer; 8. bar trivia; 9. LARPing; 10. power walking. Somewhere on that scale is a new activity for you, cupcake. Keep going till you find one that fits.

– Ultimate Rules!

Dear Diver,

So this friend I’ve known for more than a decade, since college, suddenly up and decided one day she was going to change her name. I would tell you what it is, but fear it will get back to her. Let’s just say it’s out there, on par with Moon Unit or Earth Child. Needless to say I, along with her other friends and relatives, are having a hard time with the change. Not only is it completely random and silly, but we’re afraid perhaps she has joined a cult without us knowing. Do we play along with the charade or is it time for an intervention?

– Name Caller

Dear Caller,

We all know the power of names. What something is called influences how something is perceived.  We all know Johnathans, they are different than Jons, who are different than Jacks. Some say a nickname is the hardest stone that the devil can throw at a man. Yet my name changed during college. My buddies got hold of my middle name, “Hopkins” and I never was “Randy” again. Made all the difference. If she wants to change things up and go by some hippy name, let her. She will be a different person, but it is her choice. As far as the cult is concerned, that might involve a P.I. to see if something is going on, and then of course intervene away. 

– Randall Hopkins Phelps

Dear Diver,

Why can’t my roommates ever pick up their liquor bottles? I come down in the morning to go to work, and their half-drunk beers and cocktails are festering on the counter and table. I’m not anti-drinking and like to imbibe myself – but pick up after your drunk asses! There’s nothing worse than waking to the smell of stale margaritas and beer and a sticky mess all over the counter where I make my coffee. How to get them to clean up?

– Sloppy Drunks’ Roomie

Dear Wounded Soldier,

So they are otherwise clean? Then it’s bad behavior caused by alcohol. You can remove the alcohol, or remove the roommates, but getting drunk people to clean up after themselves is a lost cause. 

– Where’s My Beer?